The Child Re-Emerges

There's a bitch in all of us. Term it "evil" if you like. I've always acknowledge that part of me: it's the me with reckless abandon, the stubborn child that could never be quite satisfied, or the spirit that cannot be contained.

Sometimes I try. Maybe that's why I discovered the joys of writing or sought refuge in drawing when I was little. I write or draw to free it, to give it form, so I can come face to face with it. It's hard to battle something which is abstract. If contained, I manifest it.

Some people may argue that the child is one's true nature. Over time, it is forced to be hidden, or tempered by things that adults call "responsibility" or "maturity" or "prudence."

But every time the child/bitch/evil in me surface (in any form) it always felt good to indulge it. Maybe I am Peter Pan who never grows old because he doesn't.

Over time, I discovered that there's no escaping the child. It gravitates towards the things it really wants.

This weekend I was in Baguio with ALL of my housemates for Randy's exhibit. I've always wanted to be in that kind of world, where expressing one's self is one's profession; not tempering it and hiding it in terms like "objectivity" or "responsibility" or "maturity."

The child has been quiet in recent months, happy to hibernate in seclusion wherever it finds it within myself.

But not today.

Today the child is enraged. It wants to escape. It wants to swim in dark waters only to remind itself that there is comfort in unfamiliar things. It wants to stare into the sun directly as though it has eyes and wants to communicate. If he finds that opportunity, the child has a lot of things to tell him. It has been a while since the last conversation.

It also wants to play creator and its hands shall be the paintbrushes, the canvas, and the acrylic. It has been a while too since his hands have been stained with color. It looks forward to a rendezvous because it will be both lovely and bittersweet. Lovely because it's good to be finally be doing what it ought to be doing. Bittesweet because it took a long time and the child regrets it.

A fortuneteller once told me that I should pay attention to the things around me. A fortune cookie told me that too and told me that it's where I will find the path to the journey that I should be taking.

There could be happier times in happier places. Sometimes they are hidden. Sometimes they are exposed but we just don't see them. Because we don't want to see them.

Lately, there are signs. I've ignored them before and now they are resurfacing. Sooner, I shall confront them.

And then concede.