Courage

final painting
Originally uploaded by josephthaddeus

I've conquered my fear.

For years, I was scared of the brush and paint thinking I was better off pencil sketches. The last time I painted was in elementary when we joined this competition open to Asian children. I think it was the Unicef which sponsored it. But I soon forgot about it. In high school, I joined several on-the-spot painting competitions but I limited myself with an easier medium which was the cray-pas.

Years moved on and adult responsibilities set in and I was farther away from my passion.

Until one time an opportunity came.

I was covering the Subic rape case last year and since court trials were off limits to camera -- I doodled, loose sketches actually, scenes from the trial. I showed it to Johnray who is Saksi's executive producer and floated the possibility of using it as video support. He liked the idea and that was when I was reunited with my long-ignored talent.

I remember feeling very balanced after that, that kind when you feel so peaceful you'd think you've subdued a tempest.

And so the passion was rekindled.

I remember the elation I bought my first set of acrylic paint, easel and brushes.

I remember how scared and at the same time thrilled to draw the outline. I almost turned back and nearly told myself I couldn't do it.

But even with a little trepidation -- I drew the first outlines of what would be my first self-portrait. I could almost hear the sound of the yellow color pencil touch the white canvass. And as with everything else in life, I risked, and with still incomplete abandon, I drew. I drew once again. Soon I filled up the outlines with ink, very tentative at first, until I've become familiar with the medium's behavior.

And so the first painting is done, a painting that waited for years to be born has finally been born, with it a fear has died. And I am reborn.

As with every thing in life, we shouldn't anticipate what would happen. Anticipating is a silly exercise. It is hopeless as it is tiring. And so we tread carefully, sometimes, carelessly, in the sometimes dark abyss that is our fear. We hold on - to the promise of a goal, or if not of at least becoming a better person after the journey.

Life, I guess, should be lived as a series of wonderful surprises, of conquering little demons in our heads, of breaking free of the fear.

Life is beautiful, they say, and it is, because we can make it so.