Homecoming

I've decided to go home to Lucena for the All Souls' Day. As I said, it's the first year that my Dad is not with us anymore. But before going to Lucena, I think I might be on duty for the Undas coverage ... in Batangas. That's halfway to Lucena, which is good. I'll stay in Lucena 'til the 2nd, that is if things do get boring over there. Otherwise, I'll haggle for an extension (a virtual impossibility ehehehehe).

The Complete Picture

The picture in the previous post comes from this series. Memories are made of these. October 17, 2005. Post-birthday celebration celebration on my actual birthdate.

Belated Pic

Me and Isaw during the post-birthday celebration celebration ehehehe, on my actual birthdate.

Back

It is easy to find the footsteps back to where I have been relative to you. Either, I've never moved or am too familiar with them.

Silly, really to find myself back to where I don't want to be. Is it a natural regression or a necessary final lookback before I start moving on? Some sort of comparison, between the then and the now which should make the latter more palatable.

"Buti na 'yan. Kung hindi, baka ikaw rin madamay na sa bisyo n'ya," a friend said after I had told him about what had happened to him-who-doesn't-have-a-name.

I somehow see the logic, the rightness of the decision made a year ago. And I am reminded.

Reminded, too, that last year, around this period, was my personal version of the great depression. Instinctively, my being knows that. So I relive, once again, that sad punctuation of my otherwise, good life.

But I don't mind. Pain is necessary, as darkness is, to appreciate light, and relief.

"It's been a year," I told a former professor who knew of the great depression.

"See, you didn't realise you could live without him for a year?" she implied.

"I guess," I said, half-convinced, still, whether indeed I had made the right decision.

So I indulge myself with this self-inflicted pain as I trace the footsteps once again. But this time, not backwards. But forward.

But I guess, things will take care of themselves, as tomorrow, always does.

Two-ries (Theories)

I have a theory: if I refrain from smoking for the meantime, I'd get over my cold faster.

But I have another theory: if I allow my body to adopt to smoking while I'm having a cold, I will also heal without having to give up smoking.

The second one seems to be working. The first one is too much of a sacrifice. But whatever. I'm better today than yesterday. None of those heavy feeling. Was a little depressed too, yesterday, must admit. Which was crazy.

I'm trying to be happy despite the fucking cold. I kind of agree with what one columnist wrote today: happiness is a matter of perception.

Will deceive myself.

Old Age

My body finally caught up with me this weekend. Boozing since the 14th and a tiring coverage last Friday did me in and gave me a really bad cold. I was still able to attend PCIJ's blogging summit at the Linden Suites but I finally gave in Saturday night.

But I'm okay now. Isaw called it "old age." As if she has the moral ascendancy ehehehehehe. So I'll swear off late nights for the meantime. I'm still trying to decide if I'll go to Lucena for All Soul's Day. It's the first time my Dad's under the ground and it's his birthday on the 30th. We'll see if my condition improves over the next few days.

This is the Life!

So it came to pass and we're one year older. Scenes from the crossing over. We're justified to have a quarter-life crisis. Ehehehehe.

Birthday

In life, we are gifted with those few magical moments.

At around 10:45 p.m. on this day, I was born.

That is not the magical moment.

The magical moments came as years went by.

And this is my 26th magical moment -

This morning, 16 people awoke ahead of me to remind me that. The messages started pouring in at around 2:45 am and continued on throughout the day. Some greeted me three days ahead, on the 14th because that's when we held the celebration.

I am thankful for the friends that held my hand this past year (not excluding the years before that) through those rough indecisive times. And laughed with me when things were a little better.

I am thankful for the past experiences for the lessons and the resolve they brought.

A year has past and I'm ready for some more.

October 17

That's my actual birthdate but we celebrated it yesterday.

Thanks to all those who came, partied, sang, joked, laughed and drank with me and Isao (whose birthday was on Oct. 7. Belated din Eleyn :).

Except for a few disappointments such as the place not being 'dressed up' for the occasion, the party was okay. We were jampacked. Had to order a second batch of foodies and drinks.

I'll post the photos as soon as I get them uploaded.

Big Day

Tomorrow’s the big day, I’m advancing my birthday celebration by three days.
I filed a leave from work already. Booze, booze and more booze tomorrow night! After all, we only get to celebrate our birthdays once.

Disoriented

My biological clock is fucked up.

I mixed up Saturday afternoon with Saturday morning.

On my phone, a misscall alert from I. at 5:45 ... a text message from T.P. at around 2 ... outside, my landlady was barking at her househelp.

"Shit. Me fieldtrip ba itong mga ito at gising na agad? T*****a, ayaw talang magpatulog," I said to myself while I press my head in between pillows.

"Should I callback I.? Why would she be calling at 5:45 a.m.? Did she have an emergency? Could she have been held-up?"

"T.P.'s a bit too excited about wallclimbing, huh? And she's still up at 2 a.m.?"

And then epiphany came. I had a flashbulb moment.

Wait a minute. What day is today?

Slowly it dawned on me. I had earlier decided to sleep after a lunch of bread and liver spread (too lazy to get up or call delivery).

It is still Saturday. Saturday afternoon. And my day is just starting.

Bloggers Arrested

Two Chinese men were arrested in Singapore for writing anti-Muslim remarks in their blogs. Read more here.

Markers

There are markers in my life where I pause and look back to check on my progress. One such marker is my birthday.

It's a useful reference point, at least for me, from which to launch my retrospective. That will be on October 17 when I will turn 26. (At least two persons, who I invited today, told me, they didn't realise I was that young. Ehem ehem.)

So how has the past year been to me?

It is generally okay. As an acquaintance termed the plateau: "steady lang."

Isao and I (again, disclaimer here: we're not an item. Yin-Su did think we were eehhehehehe. But I object to high heavens and deny it.) are celebrating our birthdates on the 14th.

I think it's about this period when I broke up with he-who-does-not-have-a-name. I remember it was a couple of days before my birthday and my cousin's wedding date (October 16). I went home to Lucena after breaking up primarily for my cousin and also for me to take a breather.

So I guess the 14th is actually a good date to celebrate. I heard he's into drugs now. He was, even before we got into a relationship. It's sad really. He said he didn't think it would show up in his medical tests just in case he would need to go undergo one before he boards another duty abroad.

It's a bit selfish, R. said in her email from L.A. to pity our ex's present situation. But well.

The Masters That Pull the Puppet's Strings

Could the opposition be behind alleged spy FBI intelligence analyst Leandro Aragoncillo? Read more here.

Downed

I think I'm swearing off beer for the meantime and shift to hard drinks. I'm having the worst hang-over from last night (uh, was it this morning?).

We met Aggie last night for some despedida thingie 'cuz she's going back to Saipan tonight (at 10pm). During the two weeks that she was here, we met only twice (not once, ehehhehe, it's S.R, as in Susan Roces all over again ehehehe).

Psyche, the owner of NewsDesk Cafe, saw the invitation and printed it and posted it in the cafe. Yay, ehehehe. Isao fears we'd be swarmed with people we barely know on the 14th.

Going back to beer. I think I fare better with hard drinks. Like that time during Ruth's birthday. I had glasses of vodka but didn't have a hangover the day after. Last night, I just had, guess how many, four (!) as in four (!) SanMig Light and I'm out.

We went home around 2:30 am, scanned the DVDs I had just brought that day and slept. I actually woke up at around 8 am (putting the vibrating XDA near my bedframe really helps. Otherwise, I usually just ignore the tones) but decided to take a nap for an hour more.

I'm getting off work a little early today, I don't have a story to write for 24 Oras or Saksi. I'll get a massage! (finally).

The Invitation

Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain,
mine or your own,
without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy,
mine or your own,
if you can dance with the wildness
and let the ecstacy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic,
or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you tell me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself,
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.

I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty everyday,
and if you can source your life from God's presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure,
yours and mine,
and still stand on the edge of a lake and
shout to the silver of the full moon "YES!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair,
weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to the
children.

It doesn't interest me who you are or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you can sit at the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,
and if you can truly like the company you keep in the empty moments

Imbey-tasyon

May bulong bulungan, may kudeta raw. O di kaya naman ay assassination plot. Dudukutin daw ang Pangulo ng Republika kapag di pa s'ya bumaba sa pwesto sa a-kinse ng Oktubre. May Martial Law pa raw!

Pero dedma, dahil sa a-katorse ng Oktubre, may mangyayari. At imbitado ka.

Disclaimer: Wala kaming relasyon ni Isao at wala ring sexual tension. Nagkataon lang na pareho kaming ipinanganak sa buwan ng Oktubre, siya a-7 ako a-17. Iniwas ni Lord na magkasabay dahil baka, bwakanangina, pagkamalan pa kaming kambal. Sabay lang kaming magdidiwang ng aming kapanganakan. Lahat ng gusto naming imbitahan, makakatanggap ng imbitasyong ito o kung imposibleng handcarry, sa text, malamang. O kaya sa e-mail. Pumunta ka ha?