Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Break-Up Talk

Technically, I can't call it as such but it works the same way. This is when you tie all the loose ends and move on (finally).

He dropped by at the DOJ today. I think he was waiting for his new new boyfriend at the mall but since the guy wasn't there yet he texted if he could see me (how convenient).

I agreed and thought I could use the occasion for my own closure. I asked questions that I needed to ask. And what were those?


1. Did you cheat on me when we were still together?
No. Stick to one ako 'pag me bf ako. Kaya nga hindi puwede sa akin na walang karelasyon, lumalandi ako.

2. Bakit dati, di ka bumalik 'nung pwede pa?
Gusto ko mag-explore.

There were others but the two will suffice.

Case closed. I will not talk about him anymore from now on.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Capitol Building

Capitol Building
Originally uploaded by josephthaddeus.
It's a pity that I've not been to Lucena for a couple of months now. But good thing, there's this website that I can visit once in a while to check out what's happening in my hometown.

Incidentally, they have a contest of some sort where they nominate, uh, famous, Lucenahins. Embarrassingly (in a good way, though), I'm one of them (out of two, the other is Jenny Miller a.k.a. Jennifer Rances who's a contract artist for the other network.) To those behind the website, thanks.

Friday, August 26, 2005


K. points out: Elida is like Ideal?

She was taking off from the subject of our weights having done a story on obesity recently. Thankfully, we, meaning the members of our tribe, are all within our ideal weight.

"So should we make that a qualification for the members of the group?" she asks.

But anyway, I read this on those bulletin posts and I thought it's a cool way to (re)introduce the members of our group by way of their birthdates.

Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract.Intelligent and clever. Changing personality.Attractive. sexy. Temperamental. Quiet,shy andhumble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted.Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easilyhurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it.Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn.Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes.Sharp.Loves entertainment and leisure.Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

R. and N., /august
outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. no self control. kind hearted. self-confident. loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful.easy to get along with and talk to. has an "everything's peachy" attitude. loves screaming,talking and singing. loves music.daydreamer.easily distracted. loves to flirt. hates being left out.hates not being trusted. BIG imagination.loves to be loved. hates studying. in need of "that someone". longs for freedom. rebellious when withheld or restricted. lives by "no pain no gain". caring. always a suspect. playful.mysterious. "charming" or "beautiful" to aspecailperson. stubborn. courious. independent.strongwilled. a fighter.

Suave and compromising. Careful,cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes.Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talkwell. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic.Concerned and detailed. Loyal and always honest.Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive.PositiveAttitude. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information.Must control oneself when criticizing.Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around.Secretive. Loves sports, leisure and traveling.Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships.Systematic. Sexy but has brains.

Loves to chat. (Oh yes!) Gets along with everyone,and has a great personality (thanks, hehehe). Has an awesome sense of humor and can take a joke (absolutely!). Loves those who loves them (of course!). Loves to takes things at the center.Inner and physical beauty (again, thanks, hehehe!). Lies but doesn't pretend.Gets angry often (oh yeah, tell me about it). Treats friends importantly (I do!).Brave and fearless (Yup, that's me). Always making friends.Easily hurt but recovers easily (yay, this one, I'm not sure ehehehe). Daydreamer.Opinionated.Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart. (Wow!)

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Loneliness As A Habit

"You have a lot of explaining to do," N., calls up out of the blue, after a long absence.

"Huh? What about?" I asked, clueless.

"Hmmmm," N., said mockingly. As if I didn't know.

"What about?" I inquired further.

"P. arrived," he said finally.

"Oh, that. Yeah," I said, simmering down from an imagined climax.

Well that.

Last night, I called up J. to apologise for my behavior on the phone last Saturday (or was it Sunday morning?). I remember cutting him off with a cold "I will talk to you tomorrow."

I remember calling him before sleeping. I couldn't remember what I had said then.

"Pang Magpakailanman 'yun," J filled in the details.

"Huh? O shit," I didn't think it was that mushy/melodramatic shit.

But I'm guessing it actually was.

On Oprah last night. A replay on the subject of getting over, of closures.

"God is on our TV sets," I texted R.

He was reminding.

I actually felt stupid, that something like that needs repeating. It's been a couple of months already for crying out loud.

Acting stupid is not going to be my hobby.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Debate No. 4: Is TP Angelic?

JTM: game!
To: tina:ur proposition
To: tina: (tapping table with fingers ... )
From: tina:angelic ako kasi mabait naman talaga akong tao.
To: tina: two words: ******** *********!
From: tina:******** ********* DOESNT MEAN I'M NOT ANGELIC. NAGKAROON LANG NG GANUN IMPRESSION SI ___ DAHIL SA ****** ******-****** ** *** *********** ** *****. AND THAT'S ON RECORD.
To: tina: ganon? revoke ko na membership mo sa elida?
To: tina: non sequitur
From: tina: ENGLISH PLS
To: tina: doesn't follow. can we change the topic to .. did you study?
To: tina: they don't know you, ehheheehe
To: tina: so perception problem 'to. what has long been established was challenged a bit. but it's not the truth, established fact
To: tina: nagtataray kitang-kita naman ... ehehee


To: tina: i don't need to ask them.
To: tina: no.
To: tina: teka, in angelic in what terms? image? or real life?
To: tina: do you realise, kailangan ko sirain ang pagkakaibigan natin para mawakwakan kita? hehehe demolition job ang gusto mong gawin ko
To: tina: hindi
To: tina: excuse me?

... to be continued.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Sunday, August 21

Was dead, drunk, y'terday.
S l e e p y
Hed aches.

In isolation

S mo k e bill ows,
sign of life
But dead
a stick after.

Woke up
into the night
Full moon, yellowing
Dogs howling

I am the vampire
that sucks my own life

Friday, August 19, 2005

Kaluluwang Gala

Takot ako sa mga kaluluwang gala
Minsan, hindi inaasahan, mangangamoy bulaklak
Lalamig ang hangin
(Putang'na mo! Kaw na naman?!)

Nakakatakot, alam ko patay ka na
Pinatay kita, hindi ba?
Sinunog, pilit ibinaon
Gamit ang putik na pinalambot ng luha

'Pag nagparamdam, walang magagawa
Mamaluktot, magkukumot
Aawayin ang lamig
At sisigawang pilit ang pighati

Pipikit, sisilip nang kaunti sa salaming katapat
Maaninagan, mararamdaman
Itim na bahid ng pagpaparamdam
(Siya nga, pyucha, siya ulit)

Tantanan mo na ako!
Hindi na kita kailangan!
Tatakbo, bubuksan ang ilaw
Pagtingin sa salamin: walang ibang pigura

Kundi sa akin

The Measure Of Things

How do you measure one's love? Or devotion?

Perhaps, by the number of tapsilogs you can deliver and the number of kilometers you can cover?

To our dear N., there are certain things that love can endure and can give. Right now, we don't know if all of that is justified but hopefully, at the end of it, are the arms of your beloved.

Or maybe, by the amount of time you give.

There was once, when I, (this time me), I revolved around him, everything I did was because of him, the departed. But that's all water under the bridge now.

In some other times, we are willing to compromise (or jeopardize?) our reputation.

Thankfully, R., you are done and over with it. (Or are you?)

For All Car Owners

If an LTO officer confiscates your car plates, tell him he can't do so.

In a decision released by the Court of Appeals, the court states that it's not stated in the law,Republic Act 4136 ,that confiscating of plates is not one of the allowed punishment for traffic violations.

The CA affirmed an earlier decision by Quezon City Regional Trial Court Judge Estrella handed down in a case filed by a certain Roel Garcia against Eduardo Poblete, an LTO officer.

In January 10, 1999, Poblete confiscated Garcia's car plate because it was illegally parked in the airport terminal. Poblete said he did so because of memorandum circular 30 (issued on September 12, 1974) at special order 101-A (issued on October 23, 1973).

Garcia sued Poblete and won in the lower court. "...Removal of license plates of motor vehicles as penalty to be imposed on traffic violations is not mentioned on the said law (R.A. 4136)." The said memorandum and special order, the court added, were excesses and went beyond what was intended in the law.

The CA affirmed this decision and said: "...an examination of sec. 56 or R.A. 4136 does not provide for the consfiscation of the offending vehicle's license plate."

You Know Why They Are Called Sunglasses?

I realise now that so much has changed between you and me.

You now wear sunglasses at 1 a.m.

You texted me last night to tell me you saw a common friend at Malate. I didn't reply but this morning I called him up if he saw you.

"Yep, naka-sunglasses at 1 in the morning," he informed me.

"Whaaaaaat? Seriously?!" was my reply.

"Yes. Hehehehe!" he said.

Oh man, you've changed a lot. Hahahahaha! What happened along the way?

"Now he's no longer with you, he's suddenly lost class?" said a friend to which I related this anecdote.

"At least now, I'm turned off. How could you fall in love with someone who wears sunglasses in the middle of the night?" I jokingly said.

God has a funny way of making me see things His way.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Teddy Burn Redux

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Weekly Love for August 15, 2005
Provided by Astrology.com

Beware of feeling blue about romance at the week's outset; sentimentality about the past may set in, and those in relationships could especially feel out of step with the present. Do what it takes to get your mind (and heart) back in the moment. By Wednesday, though, each and every moment's all about you; you're sharp as a tack and sexier than ever through Friday. Plan your wardrobe and social life accordingly. Random demands on your time could make the weekend a little cooler, love-wise, but rest assured; it's only temporary.

My stars have been reading me quite accurately, it's almost scary. I will confirm that first sentence. The Ex has arrived I think on Monday or Tuesday. Last night we had a text-conversation. Told him I miss him sometimes and I felt stupid. "Hindi katangahan 'yan," he replied. I continued to say that there were times when I wish we were still together. And that my regret was that I wasn't able to take care of him the way I wanted to. "Hindi mo fault 'yun," he said. And he added that relationships drag people down and that I need to explore. I don't quite agree, I told him, "relationships with the wrong people do. And yeah, I'm exploring." "Wait a minute," I asked, "did you say, I dragged you down?"

"No, I dragged us down," he texted back.

There is a new Nike commercial, or campaign I think. "Reincarnate, leave your old self behind," it advised.

With his acknowledgment, I therefore start.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005


Me yesterday (August 16) from Yahoo astrology:

Quickie:The past can be a heavy weight if you let it press on you. Can you lift it?

Overview:If you want to keep moving, you can't let heavy baggage from the past keep dragging you down. Take some time to examine what old blocks might be keeping you from your goals.

And me today:

Quickie:Don't let your assumptions hold you back from what could be. Think big.

Overview:Clear your brain of any old memories before you launch into a brand-new situation or relationship. Learn to see the potential that lies in the moment rather than being bound by the past.

If I believe in horoscopes the above cited predictions galvanized my belief. Hehehehe. The X re-appeared. Been consciously standing my ground. If I find myself sliding back I recite this mantra: I don't want the paranoia (again).

Monday, August 15, 2005

I Won

Matapang pa rin pala ako.

Today, we saw crushie at the gazebo. T.P. didn't see him initially so I had to tell her. "TP! (while motioning towards his direction). TP! (I was ecstatic)."

"Huh? Sino?" TP.

Could she have forgotten?

The bet was on.

She was forever edging me on. Tangna, wala ako pera. Hindi ko malilibre si TP pag nagkataon.

First attempt.

His back was turned against us so I had to come up from behind (hehehehe, no sexual suggestion here). But I "U-turned."

Second attempt.

After taking a deep breathe I proceeded towards him (It's now or never. Lose face or lose the bet.)

"Uh, excuse me. Ano nga name mo ulet? (Ulit? As in natanong ko na ba sya ever ng name n'ya?)

"J**** po," was his reply. Fuck, his eyes were beautiful. Swear I could have died that moment.

Rainy Days And Birthdays!

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Shout outs to Nelson and Ruth! Happy Birthday! Taken during the party last Saturday.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Blogging Or Otherwise

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Blogging or otherwise. That's me in the office. Hehehe. Happy weekend.


"How can I stay mad forever at my friends?" Tina asked rhetorically after we didn't show up at the opening of her sister's wallclimbing gym in Lipa, Batangas.

It got me thinking last night, this time over my situation with R. I thought, prolonging it wouldn't do any further good. I think I've made my point. Besides, it's her birthday.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Rainy Days, As Always (part 2)

I'm stuck in the newsroom. It was, to use a cliche, raining cats and dogs outside I couldn't leave for home.

So here I am in this cybersanctuary.

Outside, I showed TP the sms. Was wondering why I didn't get a reply.

"How could you reply to a text like that?" she said after reading it.

Brought me to what a former (or ex) friend told me. But first a little context. She and I were friends, from college, although we met, through a mutual friend, after college. She was okay, a self-admitted neurotic (I didn't use it derisively here, just stating a fact). Until that one time when things didn't go well. Couldn't remember the circumstances anymore. One day, I got a compilation CD. There she said, that I could be cold. I have not been returning her text, and stopped communicating altogether. Why, she asked. I didn't answer.

Admittedly, that's quite true. They say, it's better not to burn bridges. I know that, it's just that I have done the opposite.

Maybe it's a defense mechanism, although I don't think it's applicable in the present context. I don't know why I do that, but it hurts me as equally as the person concerned.

The nearest explanation could be that it has something to do with pride. I choose my friends carefully, I told a barkada once. I'd rather have a small circle of trusted friends than to have a contingent of acquiantances. Friendships are relationships that need nurturing, investing. It's not something you get into just for the sake of getting into. It's a delicate process, becoming friends with someone, because in order for it to grow, you have to open up yourself, carefully, almost with calculation.

That's why it's hard to face a certain reality, that the process I adopted is not fool-proof. And the fault boomerangs directly to my face.

Caveman Theory

Originally uploaded by josephthaddeus.
Bored, I ventured into the Internet to read something and I found this on Salon. In the U.S., apparently, there is this emerging therapy called reparative theraphy which aims to make homosexuals, heterosexuals. In this school of thought, homosexuality is seen as a psychological disorder, the desire for men, (or women, if you're a lesbian) a neurosis.

Barry Levy, a Christian counselor, cited in the article says: "Homosexuality is not just another flower in God's garden. This is something that happens to people that can be fixed. And if someone comes seeking relief from this suffering, we would be wrong not to offer them relief."

A straight reporter of Salon tries out the theraphy. It's quite a read, what with all Levy's theory of the cause of homosexuality. Read it here. There's a part one.

Rainy Days, As Always

It's especially harder to wake up now, my alarm clock has to be "re-set thrice" before I finally wake up. I still sleep with the fan on, cuddling up is good. Better, if done next to a person. But for now, my pillows will do. (How pathetic is that? Hehehehe).

Tomorrow's Friday, and looking back, it's a pretty so-so week for me. I've been technically out of the news radar screen, I don't remember the last time I voiced. Hehehehe. On the news plate now: impeachment and the "recantation" of yet another jueteng witness, and yet another revelation of a new jueteng witness.

Aren't we going in circles?

Take my life for example, I guess that's how it was called the "grind" (as in daily grind). The stars foretell of vacation, of relaxation, of getting the balance, of getting out. But I haven't done any of these. If the stars indicate such things, does it mean you have to make an effort to make it happen? Or just wait for it, without effort, to happen?

Last night, the stars said it was especially a good night to flirt. I told I
a fellow Libran this. But she's not amused. I wanted to try it, I said, to the guy(s) sitting across us. But I chickened out, and contented myself with stealing glances, which were returned by the way, but I was too tired to bother.

After downing three bottles of beer, which was comparatively minimal compared to the other days spent drinking (am I growing old?), I went home.

Texted a friend (or is it former? hehehe) and expounded on the reasons why I have been avoiding contact the past few days. It was a especially long text that could have been very well sent as an email, but the response was nil. Reverse psychology right there? It's her birthday celebration on Saturday. I don't know if I should go. I want to go, besides, it's also N.'s party. But I don't know if it's right or whether that would be counter-productive. Strangely, I've been bumping into "Kamagong", this guy she's all over for (was?) the source of discord, for four fucking straight days. It's not me who wants to see him, for crying out loud.

Last night, prior to going to Newsdesk Cafe, we saw Elizabeth Ramsey and had my picture taken with her. That was a high. She's funny. (you can see her photo at my flickr badge on the left).

Been experimenting with the digital camera I got. Had a profile cut taken. I'll experiment with some more once I get the rechargable battery and the larger memoried memory card. Hehehehe.


Monday, August 08, 2005

Willy Wonka and the Factory of Dreams

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

I felt like a kid again watching "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," last Saturday. I suspected I must have seen the movie when I was a kid. A faint song that has this line, "come and see ... in a world full of imagination ... there's you'll see," comes to mind. Not sure whether that was 1. indeed a song, and 2. was used in that earlier version of the movie.

"Choc factory" as I prefer to use it in my text messages (the title is damn too long) reignited my fascination with film and filmmaking. That was the first movie I saw in a movie house, after a 1o1 dvds (hyperbole, of course) seen at home.

I was a kid again, being ushered in that fantastic world of the isolated Willy Wonka (played by Johnny Depp/who looks like Michael Jackson, an intented portrayal, I suggested to a friend who saw the movie with me).

Charlie, who was one of the five kids who got the tickets, was also the poorest. "You're lucky," Wonka told him at the start of the tour. Prior to getting the 5th ticket, he was never dissuaded that he'd get one of the tickets. One of his grandma, the forgetful one, told him that "nothing is impossible." After having bought two bars already, and nearly losing hope after hearing that the fifth ticket had been won, he found a $10 bill (was it?) on the street. He bought a bar and won.

"If something is meant for you, it's meant for you," I told my friend.

There were valuable lessons I learned from the movie. One is not to lose faith. It is one fuel that keeps us going despite the adversity. Lose it and you lose your zest for life.

Another is the power of fate. I told a friend once that no matter how badly we want something, we won't get it if it's not for us. There are things, I said, that just fall on your lap.

Sometimes, it's better to wait. And to have faith, that someday, it will come.

Chaz' Dedication

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Scenes from Chaz' dedication. On August 6, 2005, we had the dedication of Hazel's baby, Sacha. Here are some photos. Enjoy!

Friday, August 05, 2005

How Do You Solve A Mystery Like Garci?

Originally uploaded by josephthaddeus.
The hunt is on for former COMELEC Commissioner Virgilio Garcillano. The opposition led by Rep. Allan Peter Cayetano has launched a "Find Garci" campaign to locate Garcillano. They are offering half a million pesos for anybody who can provide leads to Garcillano's location. Administration congressman, Rep. Prospero Pichay is non-plussed. "I'd like to contribute (to the reward money)," Pichay said.

Justice Secretary Raul Gonzalez said the government is not hiding Garcillano. "If you ask me, I want to see what Garcillano has to say. Who knows he might spill a few beans on the opposition."

In that June 7 interview with Garcillano, he said that if push comes to shove, he wouldn't have any choice but to reveal damning secrets about the opposition. "I will tell you at the proper time," he told us.

But he has since disappeared. Some reports are saying he's in London or Singapore. The Immigration Bureau said there was no recorded exit of the former commissioner. The National Bureau of Investigation meanwhile is facing a dilemma of sorts. If he is indeed outside of the country, the NBI cannot run after him since it is outside their jurisdiction already. It can tap its network via the Interpol but even if he shows up there, it cannot arrest him. "He is not a fugitive," Gonzalez explained. The situation can be made worse if the country where Garcillano may be hiding does not have an extradition treaty with the Philippines.

Garcillano, in that same interview, related that he flew to the United States in 1986 (or was it '89?) when he clashed with Sen. Aquilino Pimentel. Is flight Garcillano's behavioral response to a crisis? Could he be "hiding" in the same place where he had sought solace before?

As a local comedy show in the Philippines was once titled, "Abangan ang Susunod na Kabanata."

Debate No. 3

Should I approach crushie?

Me: "Fate is a better decision-maker than a mortal."
T.P.: "sabi ni God, God helps those who help themselves. sa tagalog, nasa tao ang gawa, nasa Diyos ang awa."
Me: "pero sabi rin, pag hindi ukol, hindi bubukol. I prefer that God makes it happen. Sabi rin nila, "in His time," ... as in "in His time, he makes all things beautifffuuuuuuuuuuuul."
T.P.: "di naman porke in-approach mo si C, hahadahin mo na siya."
Me: "Wala pa tayo sa topic ng hadaan. Friendship pa lang."

(me susulpot sa tabi ko, magtatanong kung saan ang isa pa naming friend. biglang magtatanong ang TP.)
TP: "Yun ayaw mo?"
Me: "Nope, he's too girlie."
TP: "ayan ang problema. masyado kang mapili. tapos yung pinili mo, di mo naman malapitan man lang. instead of whining and pining ever single time you see you-know-who, why not approach you-know-who and make friends. Friendship pa nga lang. siguro kaya ayaw mong lumapit, kasi may malisya ka na."
Me: "I'm shy, hehehehe."

(aba Chief Justice Hilario Davide lecture series pala ito. hehehehe).

Me: "Sige na nga approach ko na siya." (epiphany hits me) "Oopps, I just lost the debate."

TP-2 (dancing)
JTM -1
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
DEAL! TP and JTM shake hands as they sign the contract for the "First to Ten Debate Series." On their third, TP leads by a point. "I'm already thinking of what to order and how much YOU'RE gonna pay," TP said. "Oh shet, wala nga pala limit 'no? (Kambyo) Well, that's not for me to worry about, ehehhehe," JTM said.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Thursday, August 04, 2005


There are conversations which I hope I didn't have, conversations that decisively took things to a different direction when there was none at the onset. Wish I could've pressed 'pause' then rewind. I wish I didn't have to hear these.

October 2004

G.: "Pero mahal mo pa rin s'ya?"
P.: "Siempre! (touches my face, smiling, ah that smile)"
G.:"Yun pala naman. That's what's important."
J.: "Uh, no. I think I've had enough. Let's break up."

Sometime late 2004

P.: "Bakit kasi hindi ka makipag-date?"
J.: "Eh, hindi naman ako ganun."
P.: "Try mo lang."
J.: "'Yoko. You know my position, my doors always been open."
P.: "Tanggapin mo pa kaya ako?"

August 2005

J.: "I think you should stop. It's a plataue. You're not going anywhere, anyway.
*.: "But I miss him."
J.: (rolls eyes)
M.: "Si J., parang si Bella Flores."
*.: "Yeah, like your worst nightmare."

Lesson Learned

There's now, only a faint memory where there was once melancholy. Was browsing through the net and found this on Salon.

Once, it was advised, when venturing into an unknown territory, braving an experience, to keep breathing. There's another advice, after a painful experience: just stop.

For those walking wounded (very EBTG), something to remember:

I Broke Up with Him, But I Can't Let Go

My boyfriend has finally moved on, and now I'm the one who's clinging to the past.

By Cary Tennis

Aug. 4, 2005

Dear Cary,

I know that in general, there is no "standard" way to move forward in life, but recently I have started to worry about myself.

The crux of the situation is an imbalance between me and my ex-boyfriend. A year and a half ago, I broke up with him after over five years together. He had briefly cheated on me, but I told myself that that was only an excuse for me: I'd been wanting to break up with him for a long time. I moved far away, back near where my family lives. I got a new job, a new apartment.
It was a horrible year. Aside from a handful of friends, I felt utterly out of place in the new/old environment. My job was boring and the hours were long. I went out every night to avoid loneliness and only did my creative things (writing) on weekends.

I was conflicted. I knew I was only in this city because I needed to be far, far away from him. (He is very emotional, very charming and intelligent, and wanted me back.) But I also knew that my real life, even without him, was in his city. I had moved there in part to be with him, but I truly had always wanted to live there anyway. So, nearly a year after I'd left, friends of mine found me an apartment there and I decided to quit my job and move back. This was in December.

Seven months later, I have been living in this city, though in a different neighborhood than when I was with him. I still feel lonely if I'm at home in the evening, so I tend to go out with friends every night. I still have not managed to accept any dates or other more-than-friendly intimacy. Suddenly, with summer here, I can't help remembering our vacations, our travels and how happy (I think) I was with him -- at least, how secure.

We had dinner three evenings ago. It was only the third time we have seen each other since the breakup. I have surmised that he has been with someone for at least half a year now. (He is very private -- I would even say secretive -- and won't tell me anything about this person, not her name or profession or how they met or how long they have been together.) At this dinner, strangely enough, it was as though not a day had gone by for us: We laughed, talked, held hands across the table, and when I walked with him to the subway afterward, he kissed me on the nose, cheek, eyelid. He said he would call me the next day.

He called two days later and said he was sorry not to have called, had been super busy and now
was out the door for several weeks' vacation. He said our dinner had been "joyful" but also "troubling." I wanted to know more, but I pretended to be happy and told him it was great he would be getting some rest and be able to go swimming. All I was thinking, though, was about the woman who would be sitting in the passenger seat of his car.

I am bereft. Clearly, he still has feelings for me, but just as clearly (despite hints that he doesn't feel as strong about the new woman as he did about me), he is moving on with his life.
My question is this: I left him. I knew I didn't want to be with him for many reasons I considered (and still consider) sound. So why can't I move on, too?


Dear Lagging,

You can move on. You will move on. It will take time. But you can speed up the process. There are things you can do.

Certain ways of thinking and acting are holding you back. Other ways of thinking and acting can help you move forward. You may be ambivalent about letting go of some of the things you are doing that are holding you back. There may be pleasures associated with these behaviors. Having dinner with him, for instance, may have felt good in certain ways. But it was an indulgence you could ill afford. It set you back.

But if you want to move forward, you can. There are things you can do. You can harden yourself with the facts. Get the facts in your head. Hammer them in there. Say these things to yourself: He is not coming back. This thing is over. He is the ex. He is gone. That relationship is in the past. He has moved on. You don't need him. You made the right decision. You were smart to break up with him. You had the courage and the intelligence to do the right thing, in spite of how hard it was. What he's doing now is of no concern to you.

As you try to cleanse your mind of him, also cleanse your house. Whatever keepsakes you have around the house, get rid of them. Do not know his phone number. If his phone number is programmed into your cellphone, delete it. If his picture is displayed in your house, put it away somewhere. (If in cleaning the house you find yourself pausing with keepsakes, stop it! Don't pause to remember! Just put it away!) Do not discuss him with friends. Refuse to learn anything about his new girlfriend. Do not picture her in his car. Do not picture her at all. Do not picture either one of them. Banish him from your mind. Do it forcefully.

You will be happier once you do this.

But you may encounter resistance from yourself. After all, you are waging an internal struggle. So if you find yourself unable to stop thinking about him or imagining the future with him, try this: Sit quietly somewhere, when you have an hour or so of spare time. Perhaps when you are lying in bed about to go to sleep, or in the afternoon sitting in a park, or in the morning with coffee, or -- I don't know when, why am I suggesting times? That isn't important! What is important is that you consider carefully the content of each thought you have concerning this boyfriend.

What do you feel when you think about having broken up with him? Do you feel regret? That's OK. You can feel regret. It doesn't mean you have to change it. It's done. You may regret your decision. But it is a material fact: You are broken up. It is over. He is not coming back. He is an ex-boyfriend. Feel the regret. But know that it's done. Embrace these phenomena independently. See how different they are. One is something you do yourself, within yourself.
The other is external, done, beyond anyone's control.

Consider also the habitual ways in which you refer to him. If we are having trouble accepting a fact, sometimes we find ways of not saying it. Do you refer to him as your ex-boyfriend, or do you talk around that fact? Make sure in your habits of speech that you say the truth: He is your ex-boyfriend. If someone asks, say you are glad you did what you did, even though it has at times been hard. Do not go into detail. Do not rehearse the emotions you have. Let them die out.
You also say, "Suddenly, with summer here, I can't help remembering our vacations, our travels and how happy (I think) I was with him." Let me suggest to you that even if you believe your are powerless over these memories, try to exercise some control over them. Refuse to luxuriate in them. When you find yourself remembering those times with pleasure, stop. Don't do it. Turn your thoughts to something else.

And above all, if you should find yourself thinking about having dinner with him again any time soon, douse your head in ice water. Dinner with your ex is needless torture. Don't do it. Just don't do it

Smoking Time

I wish, sometimes, the smoke that comes from my cigarettes will billow so huge it will envelop me, the nicotine, my dangerous passport to neverland. I close my eyes and I shall be transported, buoyed only by the angry lyrics blaring on my stereo.

I turn off the lights in my room to create the impossible. The only sign I will leave is the tiny red orange speck of light from my stick. Look for it if you have to look for me.

Last night was one of those nights, spent wondering, wandering. Was pissed with an incident a few minutes ago. I was so angry. There are things, solicited but still are not given. But there are circumstances that make it easier. And when one does, it's not given just for the sake of giving. There's a certain concern that comes with it.

I puff the last breathe of my stick. I tried to be dizzy. Unsuccessful, I light another one.

Another escape. I will be panting for air when I come back.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

How Do You?

Turn off desire, for example.

I hope there's a knob that lets it all simmer down: keep warm. I really didn't plan on writing about you. I was just browsing through my friend's list in friendster. And there your profile was. I must say you look better now. You've longer hair. Losing a little weight looks good on you. As always, I love your eyes. And those lips.

How do you, turn off desire, for example.

I guess, you don't. You just allow it to consume you. And then, when it's over. You just move on.

Ah, the impossibilities are greater than my desire.

Round Two

"Guilt is a powerful emotion," T.P. proposes.

"Agree!" I say. No arguments. I wouldn't even want to go there

T.P.= 1

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Is Superman Gay?

Lately, we've been preoccupied with super serious topics, T.P. and I. Here's the latest debate: Is Superman Gay

T.P. says no. "He can't be gay because he's a macho icon! If the criminal is pogi, maco-confuse siya. Pag nalaglag si Lois Lane, hindi n'ya sasaluhin 'yun."

I say yes, "T.P. He's the original metrosexual. He's got fashion sense, albeit, a outdated one. But considering the context from which he lived, he's pretty hot probably."

T.P.: "He's not. He's wearing tights. Besides blame it on the mother, she's old, wa na siyang fashion sense. At hindi niya alam na nagta-tights ang anak nya."

Me: "T.P. that's a red flag right there. Tights s'ya pero wit nya pakita sa mudra. Sikreto nga. At... at pagnag-tights, dun siya nagkaka-power. Guess mo kung saan galing."

T.P.:" Wit nga niya pakita sa mudra dahil baduy-baduyan. Pangalawa, ang pagsusuot na baduy na tights ay pruwebang lalaki nga siya. A fashionable gay won't dare blue tights with red logos."

Me: "T.P. show me a straight guy who wears tights! Hindi color combination ang isyu. Ang tights!"

T.P.:" May argument ako at hindi mo masasagot ito! Ito: remember M.P.'s I-witness on straight guys who dance ballet?"

Me: "Malay natin. Kilala mo ba sila?"

T.P.: "Kunsabagay matagal na kitang kilala. I admit defeat."

Me: "Personalan na ito. Argumentum ad hominem."

T.P.- 0 JTM-1

Sorry ha ganito na lang ang pinagkakaabalahan namin. hehehe. Yaan n'yo kaming magpaliwanag pagdating ng panahon.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Skirting The Issue

Can raising up the skirt, raise one's chances at love?

R., was on her way to the sari-sari store. She was wearing a skirt, no a mini-skirt. The store was a stone's throw away from her house so she decided to walk. Outside, while walking, a white car pulls over, a fat guy smiles and asks: "Miss, where's the way to Quezon Av.?" "Oh, straight ahead," she answers non-chalantly, unaware that her charm/sex appeal (that time) has won this guy over. She walks along. Car tails her. And then the guy again, reaching his hand as if on a handshake: "Miss, can I know your name?" Puzzled R., says, "R." and walks faster this time. Guys speeds away.

She calls me up a couple of minutes or hours after to relate this experience. Me says to her: now we know where the problem is, why your love life is fucked up. You should wear skirts more often," I kid her.

Collectively, Backward

This thing called love is fast becoming a cha-cha. One step forward, two steps back.

It's N., who's left of the flock gaining ground. The rest?

I., is friends with Italianini, so Italianini says. R., has just "broken up" with * (asterisk boy, henceforth). And me, well, no progress at all (which I prefer at the moment, I want it to be a plunge when it happens the next time).

But what can we do?

A wise man once said that, "the teacher arrives when the student is ready."

Does love come when we don't need it?