Fully Empowered

That's Pablo Neruda's book (translated by Alastair Reid) which is the nth gift for myself. And this is where I'm taking my cue for what I'm going to do in 2006: re-start, begin again, but not without remembering lessons learned. Like mantra, the poem, "Past" shall be my guide.

Past
Pablo Neruda

We have to discard the past
and, as one builds
floor by floor, window by window,
and the building rises,
so do we keep shedding --
first, broken tiles,
then proud doors,
until, from the past,
dust falls
as if it would crash
against the floor,
smoke rises
as if it were on fire,
and each new day
gleams
like an empty
plate.
There is nothing, there was always nothing.
It all has to be filled
with a new, expanding
fruitfulness;
then, down
falls yesterday
as in a well
falls yesterday's water,
into the cistern
of all that is now without a voice, without fire.
It is difficult
to get bones used
to disappearing,
to teach eyes
to close,
but
we do it
unwittingly.
Everything was alive,
alive, alive,alive
like a scarlet fish,
but time
passed with cloth and darkness
and kept wiping away
the flash of the fish.
Water water water,
the past goes on falling
although it keeps a grip
on thorns
and on roots.
It went, it went, and now
memories mean nothing.
Now the heavy eyelid
shut out the light of the eye
and what was once alive
is now no longer living;
what we were, we are not.
And with words, although the letters
still have transparency and sound,
they change, and the mouth changes;
the same mouth is now another mouth;
they change, lips, skin, circulation;
another soul took on our skeleton;
what once was in us now is not.
It left, but if they call, we reply
"I am here," and we realize we are not,
that what was once, was and is lost,
lost in the past, and now does not come back.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Tuwing Pasko, malamig, para mas maramdaman ang init ng yakap ng mga mahal/minamahal. Mas mahaba rin ang gabi, para mas masarap ang inuman at kwentuhan. Uso si Santa at mga anghel, para matandaan na walang limitasyon ang imahinasyon para sa ating kahilingan. Panahon ito ng pasasalamat sa mga pinagdaanan at natutunan kahawak ang kamay ng kaibigan, sinta, ina, ama, anak, kapatid, kabiyak.

Maligayang Pasko sa Inyong Lahat!

---
Postcript

A friend, Claire, surprised me with a text all the way from Australia. ;P Wishes me that I can find the person who will take of me, finally.

No Claire, it's not intrusion. That's the best thing one can ask for anyone: the warmth of being loved.

I wish you, and all of my friends, that we all will be safe and warm in the arms of our loved ones.

Merry Christmas! :)

My Stars Say

Mercury Square Mars with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees Since you tend to be rather irritable and sharp-tongued at times you require a partner with a sense of humor who is not too thin-skinned. You are bright, curious and restless and enjoy the company of those who are equally high-spirited and enterprising.

Sun Conjunct Pluto with an orb between 3 and 5 degrees Power struggles plague your relationships. Either you become the dominant partner out of a fear of being controlled or you become very passive, controlling indirectly through guilt or manipulation. Your father may have been emotionally abusive to you.

Mercury Quintile Jupiter with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees You have a quality people trust and you are often sought after as a confidante or an advisor. You have high moral and ethical standards and it is imperative that anyone you're close to is a person of the highest integrity. You prefer well-educated people.

Like I Don't Know (Hahahaha)

You're an ENTP
ENTP

Ok. Ready? You like to chase the novel and complex. You have faith in your ability to overcome any challenges you face...highly independent...value adaptability and innovation...you encourage and value change...

You need freedom for action...you resist hierarchy and structure...you push against all odds to further your projects with your entrepreneurial tendencies...you can argue and find the flaws in any position...

How'm I doing so far? You rarely accept things just as they are...you like to test new meanings and relationships..when you don't get what you want, you use your cleverness and ingenuity to bring people around to your point of view...when you choose a career, you tend to set flexible goals that allow you to incorporate new information and accommodate to new circumstances...
"Keep your options open" is your middle name... you like to explore the "road not taken." Your flexibility can look like indecision to others who don't have a clue about you..you take advantage of opportunities...you realize potential of many things because of your ability to see connections and relationships between SEEMINGLY unrelated things...you cannot be ordered around, but rather handle things best when they are *suggestions*....like posting more on the Storm Palace BBS you love excitement...

Competence is key to you.. you don't take advice or respect someone you don't see as competent...you want work to be enjoyable..you're a relentless learner. Knowledge is important to you...you use your enthusiasm to get others involved in your learning...you learn through give-and-take discussions and by questioning and challenging others....you like challenging your teachers and colleagues...limitations are mere challenges to you...you take initiative, and once the ball is rolling, you like to turn it over to someone else...

You like to organize logically and strategically....your work space might not LOOK organized, but underneath it all is a system that works for you. You like to have an impact...you need a job that allows you to be innovative. you like to take risks and explore...an open calendar for the weekend is really appealing...you're often "in on the latest things..."...you like travel, 'cause it allows you to open up new vistas and horizons (corny, huh?).

Falling in love happens when there's a good "fit" with another person...you often know after the first meeting whether there's any "real potential"... you may not like to commit until that right person comes along...therefore you probably won't settle down early...you don't like to lose at ANYthing you undertake...you're a born enterpriser...

Things to be on guard for: you have a great fear of looking dumb or incomp- etent..you may tend to think you have the perfect solutions for problems, and may become competitive when others challenge you... you might start to think that you're the only one who's in on the truth of things, so you might not like to listen to the input of others...you may have the tendency to overextend yourself as you jump in on lots of ideas without considering how long it takes to work 'em through... commit to too many projects? ...you are a rebel.. you find it difficult to accept standard operating procedures.. and hate HAVING to follow exact rules or policies...learn to work within the system.

ENTP: "Each New Thought Propels"

from this website.

Last Christmas

Let us count the days past by way of memories collected:

Last Christmas ... R. first met the object of her desire.

This Christmas, she's trying to forget him.

Last Christmas ... I was reeling from a break-up.

This Christmas, though with a few shards from the past, I'm, at least, getting there.

Last Christmas, T.P. invited me to her house to celebrate Christmas there (I was, unfortunately, on duty last year).

This Christmas, we have at least three more friends to celebrate the yuletide season with.

Last Christmas, I don't know if I know N. already.

This Christmas, well, he's been missing in action. (Hehehehe) Hopefully in the arms of his beloved.

Last Christmas, K., well, hasn't won the P1-M challenge yet.

This Christmas, she has, a beautiful home with whom she will share all the new memories of love and giving, everything else that money can't buy, with J. and J.

Between last Christmas and this year's, it's in the gap where we carefully tread to forge new friendships, renew and push on to better ourselves.

There's something magical about Christmases, that's why I use them as landmarks of personal progress. The point after all, of life, is to celebrate, the memories shared with those that crossed our lives.

Gazebo

The wind gently blows eastward, where you are tonight.

In my peripheral view, I look for you, thinking you are sitting far from where I am. Hopefully, the glass walls in front of me will at least reveal your silhouette. But you are not there.

I look behind me and find you. Three steps are all that separate us.

The wind gently blows eastward. I take a puff. I let the smoke escape, gently, from my lips to yours.

There Are Days

There are days such as this one when all you want to do is hibernate, or escape. The former, is more preferable but not possible considering my job. Escape, well, yeah, maybe in the form of a trip to the movie house or a haircut or shopping. Or all three of them.

I wanna tell you a story. I'm sure you've experienced it one time or another. But I'm certain you've met their kind:

A fly is sitting atop a carabao. And suddenly he thinks he's bigger. The fly kept on yacking and yacking and yacking 'til a bird pooped on the carabao's back. Finally, a reminder of where he has been.

Everyday, Figuratively

The Executioner

Nguyen executioner revealed by Alan Shadrake, 28 Oct 2005 (Photo & Report from News.com.au)

The hangman who will execute Australian drug trafficker Van Tuong Nguyen in Singapore has been revealed as a semi-retired 73-year-old grandfather.

In a matter of weeks, Darshan Singh will place a rope around the 25-year-old's neck and say the
words he has spoken to more than 850 condemned prisoners during his 46 years as Singapore's chief executioner.

"I am going to send you to a better place than this. God bless you."

Nguyen's hopes of escaping the gallows receded further yesterday when the Singaporean Government confirmed that it would not make an exception for the Australian.

Mr Singh has officially retired from the prison service but is called upon to carry out executions, for which he receives a fee of $S400 ($312).

Until now, his indentity has been a closely guarded secret in Singapore.

Officials rarely comment on capital punishment, which is carried out without publicity behind the walls of Changi prison.

But The Australian can reveal today that the 73-year-old grandfather, who lives in a modest, government-owned apartment near the border with Malaysia, has been asked to execute Nguyen unless the Singapore Government gives an unprecedented last-minute reprieve.

Mr Singh told The Australian yesterday that under the Official Secrets Act he was forbidden from speaking about his work.

A colleague and close friend, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, told The Australian that Mr Singh wanted to give up his hangman's responsibilities and live quietly in retirement but the authorities were having trouble finding anyone to replace him.

"He tried to train two would-be hangmen to replace him, a Malaysian and a Chinese, both in the prison service," the colleague said.

"But when it came to pulling the lever for the real thing, they both froze and could not do it.

"The Chinese guy, a prison officer, became so distraught he walked out immediately and resigned from the prison service altogether."

Nguyen will meet Mr Singh a few days before he is executed and will be asked if he would like to donate his organs.

On the day before his execution, Mr Singh will lead him to a set of scales close to his death-row cell to weigh him.

Mr Singh will use the Official Table of Drops, published by the British Home Office in 1913, to calculate the correct length of rope for the hanging.

On the day of Nguyen's execution, Mr Singh will be picked up by a government vehicle and driven to the prison, arriving at 2am local time (0400 AEST) to prepare the gallows.

Shortly before 6am, he will handcuff Nguyen's hands behind his back and lead him on his final short walk to the gallows, just a few metres from the cell.

Mr Singh joined the British colonial prison service in the mid-1950s after arriving from Malaysia. When the long-established British hangman Mr Seymour retired, Singh, then 27, volunteered for the job. He was attracted by the bonus payment for executions.

Mr Singh is credited with being the only executioner in the world to single-handedly hang 18 men in one day -- three at a time.

They had been convicted of murdering four prison officers during a riot on the penal island of Pulau Senang in 1963.

He also hanged seven condemned men within 90 minutes a few years later. They had been convicted in what became known as the "gold bars murders", in which a merchant and two employees were killed during a robbery.

One of the most controversial executions in his career was the 1991 hanging of a young Filipina maid, Flor Contemplacion, who was convicted of the murder of a co-worker, Delia Maga, and her four-year-old son, on what many believed was shaky evidence.

He carries out the executions wearing simple casual clothes, often just a T-shirt, shorts, sports shoes and knee-length socks.

To mark his 500th hanging four years ago, four of his former colleagues turned up at his home to celebrate the event with a couple of bottles of Chivas Regal.

Mr Singh boasts that he has never botched an execution.

"Mr Seymour taught him just how long the drop should be according to weight and height and exactly where the knot should be placed at the back of the neck," his colleague said.

"Death has always come instantaneously and painlessly. In that split second, at precisely 6am, it's all over."

Mr Singh was an accomplished cricketer in his youth and was often opening bat.

"He is a keen soccer fan," his colleague said. "His favourite team is Manchester United. He watches all the English Premier League matches he can."

When his colleague asked him why he had stayed so long in such a gruesome job, he replied: "It's all I know. It has become my bread and butter."

"He also used to cane convicted criminals after training in this field," the colleague said.

"The pay then was 50cents per stroke. He could wield a cane as well as he could wield a cricket bat."

Mr Singh lives happily with his second wife and is close to their three adult adopted children.
His first wife left him years earlier because she could not accept what he did. He had kept it a secret from her for years.

Mr Singh reportedly spends time getting to know the condemned prisoners, especially those who do not receive visitors or religious support.

"He is a very kindly man and although it's his job to end their lives he does feel for them," his friend said. "Mr Singh tries to comfort them if they are completely alone in the world at such a horrible time."

The Parable of The Anthill

Beneath, in the sublayers of Earth, a kingdom thrives.

An old man tells this story to a young boy. He says: "To find where the Queen Ant lives, follow the trail of the smaller ants. On their arms, they carry, sustenance for the Kingdom and their Queen."

"But why do they have to work for her?" asks the young boy. "Doesn't she have the same number of feet and arms to work equally amongst them?"

"Certain things are created in a certain way. It's just the way it is. The Queen Ant is the one who breeds. In a sense, she's vital to the Kingdom. Without her, then there would be no other ants. The present ones will die and witle. And soon enough, the Kingdom will perish," the old man explains.

"But without the worker ants, the Queen will not have her nourishment? They could just store the food they gather elsewhere. Doesn't the Queen owe her life to her workers?" the boy asks again.

"They can do that. But that's disobedience. And the Queen has no tolerance for such behavior," explains the old man.

"But why do they have to follow?" the boy looks into the old man's eyes. "Don't they have any other choice?"

"Again, young boy, things are created in a certain way. They don't have to be acceptable," the old man says.

The young boy, looks at the trail of worker ants at his feet, then follows then traces them. A couple of steps ahead, an anthill is found. He kneels and picks up a worker ant.

"You will never have to work for her again," he tells the ant and puts him on the trunk of a mango tree.

"Up there, there are ripe mangoes for your picking. You can have them all to yourself," the boy says.

The boy runs into the ricefield beaming. The late afternoon breeze against his face. He picks up a kite and flies it.

Work 'n Shop (for Good Times!)

At the office during the tour of the foreign participants in the office.


During the farewell dinner hosted by the office.

Third Blog

I've acquired my third blog via a lucky ticket from wordpress. I decided that it will be primarily for literary outputs (sans the personal anecdotes, angst, whatever you can actually read here). That's just to avoid redundancy.

I wonder sometimes, if, in sleeping, one is able to stop time. I imagine, doing nothing somehow keeps the status quo. Like how water in the glass remains constant, or how the worn shirt stays in the bin. Or how the slippers don't move.

I wonder, if there's magic in all of these that some things in constant, never changing.

read more Dreamweavers.

Back

I'm back at work. Went to this one-week seminar-workshop on investigative journalism last week which my office co-hosted with the Asian Institute for Broadcasting Development and Friedrich Ebert Stiftung. 'twas great. I thought initially one week would be a bore but it turns out bitin. I met some journalists from other countries like Shane (from FijiTV), Jee (from ITV in Thailand), Yuyun from Indonesia, Kul from Thailand, too. I was with another colleague from the news department and two from our public affairs department. There was also Ricky (Carandang) from ABS-CBN. Will post photos soon after I uploaded them. :P

Crash

Last Friday, I was tasked to cover Typhoon Ondoy while it landfalls into Aurora. But God was good, it was weaker than predicted and in the morning of Friday, it was all sunshine.

Scenes from an accidental vacation. Had my deepest sleep when I was there in Baler, Aurora. I think the beachfront faces the Pacific Ocean already.


Have you heard the Pacific Ocean ramble?

Whatchalistening To?

Taking timecodes, appearing like a dj. Yaaaaak. Hehehehehehe.

Don't Go Far Off

Pablo Neruda

Don't go far off, not even for a day, because --
because -- I don't know how to say it: a day is long
and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station
when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.

Don't leave me, even for an hour, because
then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift
into me, choking my lost heart.

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest,

because in that moment you'll have gone so far
I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?

--

Tell me, that this is all just fantasy. Don't lead me on. I've surrendered and kneeling at your feet, without you even knowing. Before you, I am powerless.

For you, imagined lover.

Shameless Plug

from www.igma.tv

It's probably too small but I'm right there on the webby. Hehehehe. Today's highlights. We're on rotation ehehehe.

PGMA: "Protect The Dignity of this Country"

Militant groups condemn the rape of a 22 year old Filipina by six US Marines.
Source: www.bulatlat.com

Justice Secretary Raul Gonzalez today said President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo called him up and ordered him "to protect the dignity of this country" in reference to the rape case of a 22-year old Filipina by six US Marines.

"That speaks volumes. I take it to mean that we have to respect Philippine laws while following the provisions of the Visiting Forces Agreement," Gonzalez said.

This is the first time the President has ever spoken on the issue. She has come under criticisms from various militant women's organization over her perceived silence on the issue.

"It appears, she didn't want to rock the boat as it were," Senate Minority Leader Aquilino Pimentel said in a television interview.

Arroyo is perceived to be a staunch ally of the United States. The rape case, a first since the VFA was enacted by the Philippines and the United States, is said to be a litmus test of the treaty.

Fingers-Crossed

One afternoon, my eyes found yours, and from that moment, I knew you owned me.

I tried to brush it aside. But one morning, you passed by and I was reminded. And I knew there was no escaping.

You awakened in me, something I, for so long denied. Been badly burned and I still am chaffed. But then again, you remind me that something is not won, unless it is waged.

The terrain looks familiar. How many times have I passed this way? The familiar landmines. The enemy foxholes. The charred remains of a conquered territory.

I am scared.

But I promise this time, I will learn from my mistakes and not back out. But will be more careful.

New Fave

"You're Beautiful"



My life is brilliant.

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Flying high,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you

Thorn Bird

Lifted this from jiji's.

Thorn Bird

THERE is a legend about a bird which sings just once in its life, more sweetly than any other creature on the face of the earth. From the moment it leaves the nest it searches for a thorn tree, and does not rest until it has found one. Then, singing among the savage branches, it impales itself upon the longest, sharpest spine. And dying, it rises above its own agony to outcarol the lark and the nightingale. One superlative song, existence the price. But the whole world stills to listen, and God in His heaven smiles. For the best is only bought at the cost of great pain... Or so says the legend.

~~~~~~~~ o 0 o ~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes, grief is unfathomable as silence.

Christmas

Christmas will be a little different for the family this year. There will be no Christmas tree, as per wishes of my Mom.

"Wala naman si Daddy, eh," was my Mom's curt reply to queries of my bro on why we still haven't put up a tree this time of the year.

It was pointless, of course, to convince her otherwise. This will be the first year we won't have Dad around. The first New Year without him. October 30 was the first birthday he wasn't with us. And the first Undas that an immediate family member is under the ground.

So many firsts, it almost feels like we're starting over again.

Starting over. How difficult is that. Had my fair share. Mom's undergoing one right now. Not very sure how she's coping but hopefully the reunion with her siblings on Christmas that I'm planning will somehow take away her attention from her grief. Not to say, she doesn't have to. Only, not during the holidays.

"In spirit, he will always be with you," a tita emails me from California.

Back

So I'm back (from outer space).

I had a restful 3-day vacation in Lucena. Did nothing there but sleep, eat, smoke, sleep, eat and smoke again. Had my fill of Mom's and my bro's cooking (sheesh, my younger bro knows how to cook now and I'm left with dialing skills to contact delivery.)

Anyway, I'm in that vacation mode still (somewhat) so I'm just gonna update you soon. (As if there are people who actually bother about my blog ehehheeh).

Homecoming

I've decided to go home to Lucena for the All Souls' Day. As I said, it's the first year that my Dad is not with us anymore. But before going to Lucena, I think I might be on duty for the Undas coverage ... in Batangas. That's halfway to Lucena, which is good. I'll stay in Lucena 'til the 2nd, that is if things do get boring over there. Otherwise, I'll haggle for an extension (a virtual impossibility ehehehehe).

The Complete Picture

The picture in the previous post comes from this series. Memories are made of these. October 17, 2005. Post-birthday celebration celebration on my actual birthdate.

Belated Pic

Me and Isaw during the post-birthday celebration celebration ehehehe, on my actual birthdate.

Back

It is easy to find the footsteps back to where I have been relative to you. Either, I've never moved or am too familiar with them.

Silly, really to find myself back to where I don't want to be. Is it a natural regression or a necessary final lookback before I start moving on? Some sort of comparison, between the then and the now which should make the latter more palatable.

"Buti na 'yan. Kung hindi, baka ikaw rin madamay na sa bisyo n'ya," a friend said after I had told him about what had happened to him-who-doesn't-have-a-name.

I somehow see the logic, the rightness of the decision made a year ago. And I am reminded.

Reminded, too, that last year, around this period, was my personal version of the great depression. Instinctively, my being knows that. So I relive, once again, that sad punctuation of my otherwise, good life.

But I don't mind. Pain is necessary, as darkness is, to appreciate light, and relief.

"It's been a year," I told a former professor who knew of the great depression.

"See, you didn't realise you could live without him for a year?" she implied.

"I guess," I said, half-convinced, still, whether indeed I had made the right decision.

So I indulge myself with this self-inflicted pain as I trace the footsteps once again. But this time, not backwards. But forward.

But I guess, things will take care of themselves, as tomorrow, always does.

Two-ries (Theories)

I have a theory: if I refrain from smoking for the meantime, I'd get over my cold faster.

But I have another theory: if I allow my body to adopt to smoking while I'm having a cold, I will also heal without having to give up smoking.

The second one seems to be working. The first one is too much of a sacrifice. But whatever. I'm better today than yesterday. None of those heavy feeling. Was a little depressed too, yesterday, must admit. Which was crazy.

I'm trying to be happy despite the fucking cold. I kind of agree with what one columnist wrote today: happiness is a matter of perception.

Will deceive myself.

Old Age

My body finally caught up with me this weekend. Boozing since the 14th and a tiring coverage last Friday did me in and gave me a really bad cold. I was still able to attend PCIJ's blogging summit at the Linden Suites but I finally gave in Saturday night.

But I'm okay now. Isaw called it "old age." As if she has the moral ascendancy ehehehehehe. So I'll swear off late nights for the meantime. I'm still trying to decide if I'll go to Lucena for All Soul's Day. It's the first time my Dad's under the ground and it's his birthday on the 30th. We'll see if my condition improves over the next few days.

This is the Life!

So it came to pass and we're one year older. Scenes from the crossing over. We're justified to have a quarter-life crisis. Ehehehehe.

Birthday

In life, we are gifted with those few magical moments.

At around 10:45 p.m. on this day, I was born.

That is not the magical moment.

The magical moments came as years went by.

And this is my 26th magical moment -

This morning, 16 people awoke ahead of me to remind me that. The messages started pouring in at around 2:45 am and continued on throughout the day. Some greeted me three days ahead, on the 14th because that's when we held the celebration.

I am thankful for the friends that held my hand this past year (not excluding the years before that) through those rough indecisive times. And laughed with me when things were a little better.

I am thankful for the past experiences for the lessons and the resolve they brought.

A year has past and I'm ready for some more.

October 17

That's my actual birthdate but we celebrated it yesterday.

Thanks to all those who came, partied, sang, joked, laughed and drank with me and Isao (whose birthday was on Oct. 7. Belated din Eleyn :).

Except for a few disappointments such as the place not being 'dressed up' for the occasion, the party was okay. We were jampacked. Had to order a second batch of foodies and drinks.

I'll post the photos as soon as I get them uploaded.

Big Day

Tomorrow’s the big day, I’m advancing my birthday celebration by three days.
I filed a leave from work already. Booze, booze and more booze tomorrow night! After all, we only get to celebrate our birthdays once.

Disoriented

My biological clock is fucked up.

I mixed up Saturday afternoon with Saturday morning.

On my phone, a misscall alert from I. at 5:45 ... a text message from T.P. at around 2 ... outside, my landlady was barking at her househelp.

"Shit. Me fieldtrip ba itong mga ito at gising na agad? T*****a, ayaw talang magpatulog," I said to myself while I press my head in between pillows.

"Should I callback I.? Why would she be calling at 5:45 a.m.? Did she have an emergency? Could she have been held-up?"

"T.P.'s a bit too excited about wallclimbing, huh? And she's still up at 2 a.m.?"

And then epiphany came. I had a flashbulb moment.

Wait a minute. What day is today?

Slowly it dawned on me. I had earlier decided to sleep after a lunch of bread and liver spread (too lazy to get up or call delivery).

It is still Saturday. Saturday afternoon. And my day is just starting.

Bloggers Arrested

Two Chinese men were arrested in Singapore for writing anti-Muslim remarks in their blogs. Read more here.

Markers

There are markers in my life where I pause and look back to check on my progress. One such marker is my birthday.

It's a useful reference point, at least for me, from which to launch my retrospective. That will be on October 17 when I will turn 26. (At least two persons, who I invited today, told me, they didn't realise I was that young. Ehem ehem.)

So how has the past year been to me?

It is generally okay. As an acquaintance termed the plateau: "steady lang."

Isao and I (again, disclaimer here: we're not an item. Yin-Su did think we were eehhehehehe. But I object to high heavens and deny it.) are celebrating our birthdates on the 14th.

I think it's about this period when I broke up with he-who-does-not-have-a-name. I remember it was a couple of days before my birthday and my cousin's wedding date (October 16). I went home to Lucena after breaking up primarily for my cousin and also for me to take a breather.

So I guess the 14th is actually a good date to celebrate. I heard he's into drugs now. He was, even before we got into a relationship. It's sad really. He said he didn't think it would show up in his medical tests just in case he would need to go undergo one before he boards another duty abroad.

It's a bit selfish, R. said in her email from L.A. to pity our ex's present situation. But well.

The Masters That Pull the Puppet's Strings

Could the opposition be behind alleged spy FBI intelligence analyst Leandro Aragoncillo? Read more here.

Downed

I think I'm swearing off beer for the meantime and shift to hard drinks. I'm having the worst hang-over from last night (uh, was it this morning?).

We met Aggie last night for some despedida thingie 'cuz she's going back to Saipan tonight (at 10pm). During the two weeks that she was here, we met only twice (not once, ehehhehe, it's S.R, as in Susan Roces all over again ehehehe).

Psyche, the owner of NewsDesk Cafe, saw the invitation and printed it and posted it in the cafe. Yay, ehehehe. Isao fears we'd be swarmed with people we barely know on the 14th.

Going back to beer. I think I fare better with hard drinks. Like that time during Ruth's birthday. I had glasses of vodka but didn't have a hangover the day after. Last night, I just had, guess how many, four (!) as in four (!) SanMig Light and I'm out.

We went home around 2:30 am, scanned the DVDs I had just brought that day and slept. I actually woke up at around 8 am (putting the vibrating XDA near my bedframe really helps. Otherwise, I usually just ignore the tones) but decided to take a nap for an hour more.

I'm getting off work a little early today, I don't have a story to write for 24 Oras or Saksi. I'll get a massage! (finally).

The Invitation

Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain,
mine or your own,
without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy,
mine or your own,
if you can dance with the wildness
and let the ecstacy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic,
or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you tell me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself,
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.

I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty everyday,
and if you can source your life from God's presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure,
yours and mine,
and still stand on the edge of a lake and
shout to the silver of the full moon "YES!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair,
weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to the
children.

It doesn't interest me who you are or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you can sit at the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,
and if you can truly like the company you keep in the empty moments

Imbey-tasyon

May bulong bulungan, may kudeta raw. O di kaya naman ay assassination plot. Dudukutin daw ang Pangulo ng Republika kapag di pa s'ya bumaba sa pwesto sa a-kinse ng Oktubre. May Martial Law pa raw!

Pero dedma, dahil sa a-katorse ng Oktubre, may mangyayari. At imbitado ka.

Disclaimer: Wala kaming relasyon ni Isao at wala ring sexual tension. Nagkataon lang na pareho kaming ipinanganak sa buwan ng Oktubre, siya a-7 ako a-17. Iniwas ni Lord na magkasabay dahil baka, bwakanangina, pagkamalan pa kaming kambal. Sabay lang kaming magdidiwang ng aming kapanganakan. Lahat ng gusto naming imbitahan, makakatanggap ng imbitasyong ito o kung imposibleng handcarry, sa text, malamang. O kaya sa e-mail. Pumunta ka ha?

Richard Gomez loses BIR case in DOJ

The Department of Justice recommended the filing of tax evasion charges against actor Richard Gomez before the Court of Tax Appeals. The charge stemmed from a complaint filed by the Bureau of Internal Revenue on April 14, 2005. BIR complained that Gomez did not file his income tax return for the years 2000 up to 2003.

Read more in DocketFiles.

Update in DocketFiles

A group of lawyers today warned that an executive order issued by the President yesterday may bring about a constitutional crisis because it is an "encroachment on the authority" of Congress to investigate.

Read more in DocketFiles.

Takeover Draft Ready

Justice Secretary Raul Gonzalez, Jr. said the draft outlining the legal basis for a government takeover of public utilities is ready. Read more in DocketFiles

Salat Sa Salita

Mahirap isipin, minsan, na ang tulad naming araw-araw, tiklada ng kompyuter ang kalaro at screen ng kompyuter ang kausap, nawawalan din kami ng salita.

Hindi tulad ng mga pang-araw-araw na istorya, may ilang bagay na mahirap bigyang depinisyon o deskripsyon.

Sa araw-araw, madali ang pagpitas ng salita, ang paghahanay nito at paghahabi ng mga ito.

Pero hindi ngayon.

Hindi ngayon, dahil tungkol ito sa 'yo.

Kagabi, napaniginipan na kita. Pagkagising ko, nakaramdam ako ng pagiging kumpleto. Parang umuwi na ako. Pero sandali lang ito nanatili. Mas mabilis nanaig ang pait ng realidad na nagising ako sa isang panaginip.

Ayaw kitang makita. Dahil mapuyos ang aking pakikipaglaban sa aking tunay na kagustuhan sa aking dapat na ginagawa.

Lalayo ako pero ang gusto ko ay lapitan ka. Iiwas sa tingin, pero gusto kitang titigan. Gusto kitang kausapin pero walang lumalabas na salita.

Pinahihirapan mo ako.

Gusto kita.

Pero maraming tanong ang nagiging balakid. Mamaya, pipikit na lang ako, at tatakas sa tunay na ibig, na makasiping, makapiling ka lagi.

Docket Files

I made a new blog, Docket Files. It will contain all news items which I have covered in the justice beat. You will also find links to videos related to the news items.

Henceforth, this blog, Essays and Other Lullabies, will be purely personal.

Love, Revealed

Ode to a Secret Love
Pablo Neruda

They've guessed
our secret,
you know.
They see me,
they see us,
and nothing
has been said--
neither your eyes
nor your voice,
neither your hair
nor your love
have said a word--
but suddenly
they know,
they know without
even knowing
they know.
I wave goodbye and
set off
in another direction,
and they know
you're waiting for me.


JoyfullyI live
and sing
and dream,
sureof myself.
They are aware,
somehow,
that you are my joy.
They see
through my heavy
trousers
the keys
to your door,
the keys
to writing paper, to moonlight
among jasmines,
to the song that sings
in the waterfall.
And you without
opening your mouth
speaking,
you crystal-clear
closing your eyes
or nursing
a red dove
nestled in black leaves,
the flightof a hidden heart
and then
a syllable,
a drop
from heaven,
in one's ear
the soft
sound of shade and
pollen,
and everybody
knows it,
my love:it makes the rounds
of men
in bookstores
and women
as well,
and close bythe marketplace,
whirling,
the ring
of our
secret
secret
love.

Let it
go
rolling
through the streets,
let it take
portraits
and walls by surprise,
let it come and go
and pop up
with fresh
greens in the market.
It has
soil
and roots
and a poppy
on top,
your mouth
a poppy.
Our
entire secret,
our key,o
ur hidden
word,
our shadow or
whisper,
comments
someone
made
when we weren't around--
it's just a poppy,
a poppy.

Love
love
love--
O secret flower,
invisible
flame,
bright scar
from the burning
brand!

Martial Law, No; Gov't Take-Over, Yes

The Department of Justice denies allegations by ex-Solicitor General Frank Chavez that it has drafted a document short of proclaiming martial law. Atty. Benny Nicdao, chief of staff of Justice Secretary Raul Gonzalez, and State Prosecutor Jaime Umpa faced justice reporters today to deny the allegation. The two were the ones who supposedly studied and drafted the document.

Read more in DocketFiles.

The Lazarus Act

Lawyers Seek SC Help in Reviving Impeach Move

Pro-impeachment lawyer Atty. Harry Roque and several others including Cebu Representative Clavel Martinez (4th District, Cebu) today sought the intervention of the Supreme Court in reviving the amended impeachment complaint.

In their petition for certiorari, the lawyers argued that the original Lozano complaint should not have been recognized by the House Committee on Justice because it was "stricken with a basic jurisdictional defect."

They argued that the complaint cannot be considered as properly verified and endorsed by a member of the House of Representatives. The petition stated that the constitution requires that a complaint be filed and endorsed at the same time. They contend that the Lozano complaint was endorsed by Rep. Rodante Marcoleta, two days after it was filed.

"This is a jurisdictional defect that effectively deprives the House of Representatives of any jurisdiction over the original Lozano complaint," the petition said.

The petitioners insisted that it was only the amended complaint which was sufficient in form and substance.

They asked the Supreme Court to nullify the act of the House of Representatives and direct the House of Representatives to remand the amended complaint to the Committee on Justice.

See post also on DocketFiles

Erased

Annie Lennox

Annie Lennox lyrics :: Erased lyrics

I'm gonna put it all behind me Like nothing ever happened between us Nothing ever took place between you and me... Yes Nothin' ever happened And if you se me walkin' down the street I won't even recognise you I'll just erase you from my memory Put it all behind me Because you are erased All erased... you'll be sittin' on someone else's couch You'll be eatin' off a stranger's plate Everything is gonna get wiped out Like a new start Like a brand new fresh clean slate Well here I go remembering again All the anger and the blame... People in glass houses shouldn't throw those stones but ... something just flew through my window pane My my my my ... (oh mama did it touch you well?) I'll be in a brand new pair of running shoes And you'll be walking on down different street in a brand new suit and a fresh clean shirt Makin' telephone calls... Keepin' in time with someone else's feet Keepin' in time with someone else's feet

Iyon na marahil ang pinakamalungkot na pag-iisang dibdib. Sa altar, solo akong humarap sa paring pagal. Nagmamadali pero hindi niya alam ang sasambitin.

"You may now kiss the bride?," sabi n'ya, palinga-linga.

"Trick question ba s'ya father?" tanong ko. Kung hawak ko lang ang bulaklak ay naihampas ko na sa kanya.

Walang bulaklak. At wala ring ibang tao sa simbahan. Dalawang kandila ang nakatirik sa magkabilang tabi ng pari. Pero para sa akin 'yon.

"So ano'ng gagawin ko sa 'yo?" naiinis na tanong ng pari.

"Hindi ko rin alam," ang nasabi ko na lang.

"Bumalik ka na lang 'pag may kasama ka nang babasbasan ko. May burol pa akong pupuntahan," pakiusap ng pari.

Tinitigan ko lang siya.

"Maghanap ka. Huwag 'yong magdadrama kang pupunta dito ng mag-isa," naiinis na niyang sabi habang sumulyap sa relo niyang ginto.

Tinitigan ko lang siya.

Tumitig lang siya pabalik.

Tiningnan ko lang siya ulit. Ang kanyang mga labi. Ang matang nagniningning at sing-itim ng aking dilim ng pangungulila. Ang kanyang makapal na pilikmata.

Dumausos ang aking titig sa leeg niyang may butlig butlig na pawis. Sa parte ng kanyang leeg kung saan nag-uugnay ang dibdib at leeg. Minsan na akong nakatulog doon.

Tumungo siya.

Muli, pilit ko siyang tiningnan.

Umatras siya. At naglakad palayo sa aking kinatatayuan. Inihatid ng aking pananaw ang paring tumalikod. Hanggang sa nagsara ang pintuan ng simbahan.

Dilim.

Paano ko sasabihin na pinakasalan ko na ang aking nakaraan. At nabiyuda na rin ako nito.

Pag-aari ako ng aking nakalipas.

Freak-y

For the past so many weeks, I've been trying to avoid contact with this former high school love interest. She's married now but she's in a marriage that is less than perfect. I had the mistake of being a sounding board, once when I went to the province, so now, she's basically, uh, been bugging me and all.

I decided that avoiding her would be best for both of us. So if she texts, I don't reply. I reject the phone calls.

But the text this morning was way over board.

"I really had a bad dream about you last night. Are you okay?" she asked.

"You're freaking me out," I texted back.

"Sorry talaga. Twice na siya nangyari, with my uncle and you. Nasa ICU 'yung uncle ko. Ingat ka na lang," she replied.

(In cue music: from the movie, 'Psycho')

Enough.

"Ok. From now on, don't text me," I told her and ignored the succeeding text messages from her.

Yorac, 64

yorac
Originally uploaded by josephthaddeus.

Former Presidential Commission on Good Government (PCGG) Chair and 2004 Ramon Magsaysay Awardee for Government Service Haydee Yorac passed away on September 12, at 4:12 p.m. due to complications of her cancer in the uterus.

Supreme Court Associate Justice Adolf Azcuna, a law partner and a good friend announced that she passed away in St. Francis Hospital in Chicago, Illinois in the arms of her four sisters and mother.

Azcuna said he doesn't know yet if she will be cremated or her body will be brought back to the Philippines.

T.P. and JTM

Me and TP with the new pin.


The pin.

New Leaf in October

R. is in New York for the U.N. General Assembly, K. is in Spratlys Islands. T.P. and I are here in our respective beats and N. is, as usual, nowhere in sight. Hopefully, all of us will be together in October.

It will be I.'s(October 7) and my birthday (October 17) in October so will My's (October 18) and Eleynnn's.

Shout outs to all of us crossing that boundary of time. Hopefully, in doing so, we leave behind the lessons of the past year and carry with us the undying hope that things will be better (as they always are).

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

(L-R) Marieton Pacheco, ABS-CBN; Arlene Farol, ABC5; Me, of course; Grace Asuncion, RPN9.
Disclaimer: We had the clearance of the chief of security when we shot this mock en banc session. Taken on the same day the SC released its decision on EVAT

Quiapo

Was bored with the rally I was covering this afternoon, so I took this photo of the Quiapo church with my XDA phone.

SC upholds legality of EVAT

SC
Originally uploaded by josephthaddeus.

The Supreme Court has upheld the legality of Republic Act 9337otherwise known as the expanded value added tax law. The SC has deemed the law constitutional in its entirety and dismissed the five petitions against it.

SC Spokesperson Ismael Khan however clarified that the decision could not be described as 'unanimous' as there were sections in the law that some of the justices wanted to declare unconstitutional. But those sections were retained because there was not enough votes to strike them down. "No one (questioned) section of the law garnered the majority of 8 votes, so they stay," Khan explained.

But the temporary restraining order issued by the Court against the law on July 1, 2005 will be lifted after fifteen days when the decision becomes final. But the TRO may be extended if motions for reconsideration are filed.

Read the decision here:SC upholds EVAT legality
Republic Act 9337

Break-Up Talk

Technically, I can't call it as such but it works the same way. This is when you tie all the loose ends and move on (finally).

He dropped by at the DOJ today. I think he was waiting for his new new boyfriend at the mall but since the guy wasn't there yet he texted if he could see me (how convenient).

I agreed and thought I could use the occasion for my own closure. I asked questions that I needed to ask. And what were those?

Here:

1. Did you cheat on me when we were still together?
No. Stick to one ako 'pag me bf ako. Kaya nga hindi puwede sa akin na walang karelasyon, lumalandi ako.

2. Bakit dati, di ka bumalik 'nung pwede pa?
Gusto ko mag-explore.

There were others but the two will suffice.

Case closed. I will not talk about him anymore from now on.

Capitol Building

Capitol Building
Originally uploaded by josephthaddeus.

It's a pity that I've not been to Lucena for a couple of months now. But good thing, there's this website that I can visit once in a while to check out what's happening in my hometown.

Incidentally, they have a contest of some sort where they nominate, uh, famous, Lucenahins. Embarrassingly (in a good way, though), I'm one of them (out of two, the other is Jenny Miller a.k.a. Jennifer Rances who's a contract artist for the other network.) To those behind the website, thanks.

Anagram

K. points out: Elida is like Ideal?

She was taking off from the subject of our weights having done a story on obesity recently. Thankfully, we, meaning the members of our tribe, are all within our ideal weight.

"So should we make that a qualification for the members of the group?" she asks.

But anyway, I read this on those bulletin posts and I thought it's a cool way to (re)introduce the members of our group by way of their birthdates.

T.P./february
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract.Intelligent and clever. Changing personality.Attractive. sexy. Temperamental. Quiet,shy andhumble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted.Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easilyhurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it.Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn.Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes.Sharp.Loves entertainment and leisure.Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

R. and N., /august
outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. no self control. kind hearted. self-confident. loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful.easy to get along with and talk to. has an "everything's peachy" attitude. loves screaming,talking and singing. loves music.daydreamer.easily distracted. loves to flirt. hates being left out.hates not being trusted. BIG imagination.loves to be loved. hates studying. in need of "that someone". longs for freedom. rebellious when withheld or restricted. lives by "no pain no gain". caring. always a suspect. playful.mysterious. "charming" or "beautiful" to aspecailperson. stubborn. courious. independent.strongwilled. a fighter.

K./september
Suave and compromising. Careful,cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes.Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talkwell. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic.Concerned and detailed. Loyal and always honest.Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive.PositiveAttitude. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information.Must control oneself when criticizing.Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around.Secretive. Loves sports, leisure and traveling.Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships.Systematic. Sexy but has brains.

JTM/october
Loves to chat. (Oh yes!) Gets along with everyone,and has a great personality (thanks, hehehe). Has an awesome sense of humor and can take a joke (absolutely!). Loves those who loves them (of course!). Loves to takes things at the center.Inner and physical beauty (again, thanks, hehehe!). Lies but doesn't pretend.Gets angry often (oh yeah, tell me about it). Treats friends importantly (I do!).Brave and fearless (Yup, that's me). Always making friends.Easily hurt but recovers easily (yay, this one, I'm not sure ehehehe). Daydreamer.Opinionated.Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart. (Wow!)

Loneliness As A Habit

"You have a lot of explaining to do," N., calls up out of the blue, after a long absence.

"Huh? What about?" I asked, clueless.

"Hmmmm," N., said mockingly. As if I didn't know.

"What about?" I inquired further.

"P. arrived," he said finally.

"Oh, that. Yeah," I said, simmering down from an imagined climax.

Well that.

Last night, I called up J. to apologise for my behavior on the phone last Saturday (or was it Sunday morning?). I remember cutting him off with a cold "I will talk to you tomorrow."

I remember calling him before sleeping. I couldn't remember what I had said then.

"Pang Magpakailanman 'yun," J filled in the details.

"Huh? O shit," I didn't think it was that mushy/melodramatic shit.

But I'm guessing it actually was.

On Oprah last night. A replay on the subject of getting over, of closures.

"God is on our TV sets," I texted R.

He was reminding.

I actually felt stupid, that something like that needs repeating. It's been a couple of months already for crying out loud.

Acting stupid is not going to be my hobby.

Debate No. 4: Is TP Angelic?

JTM: game!
To: tina:ur proposition
To: tina: (tapping table with fingers ... )
From: tina:angelic ako kasi mabait naman talaga akong tao.
To: tina: two words: ******** *********!
From: tina:******** ********* DOESNT MEAN I'M NOT ANGELIC. NAGKAROON LANG NG GANUN IMPRESSION SI ___ DAHIL SA ****** ******-****** ** *** *********** ** *****. AND THAT'S ON RECORD.
To: tina: ganon? revoke ko na membership mo sa elida?
From: tina: SO SINASABI MONG KAHIT 1 PERCENT, WALANG ANGELIC PART SA KATAUHAN NG MGA ELIDA GIRLS?
To: tina: non sequitur
From: tina: ENGLISH PLS
To: tina: doesn't follow. can we change the topic to .. did you study?
From: tina: SANDALI, LUMILIHIS KA NA. ANGELIC AKO. IBANG TAO NA NAGSABI NITO. AT DI LANG ISA. 2 SILA.
To: tina: they don't know you, ehheheehe
From: tina: si chorva at si chenelyn (not their real names ehehhee-editor) HAVE KNOWN ME FOR YEARS. SILA NGA MISMO, NAGTATAKA KUNG BAKIT ANGELIC ANG IMAGE KO ON CAM. KAHIT SA CUTAWAYS. AT SILA RIN MISMO NAGSABI NA bleep
To: tina: so perception problem 'to. what has long been established was challenged a bit. but it's not the truth, established fact
To: tina: nagtataray kitang-kita naman ... ehehee
From: tina: SANDALI... BAKIT BA AYAW MONG MANIWALA NA ANGELIC AKO? DI PA KO TAPOS BABASAHIN KO LANG MESSAGE MO. DI PORKE NAGTATARAY, DI NA ANGELIC. SABI NGA NI chorva, IBANG IMAGE AN LUMALABAS SA KIN KAHIT ANO PANG SITNERS O ON CAM VIDEO ANG KUNIN, KAHIT
SINO PANG CAMERAMAN. AT DI LANG MUKHA O IMAGE ITO HA. SA TOTOONG BUHAY. ASK MY SAMPAGUITA GIRLS.
To: tina: i don't need to ask them.
From: tina:i don't need to ask them. BEC YOU HAVE ALREADY WITNESSED SEVERAL INSTANCES TO PROVE I'M REALLY ANGELIC.
To: tina: no.
From: tina: ANONG NO? YOU'VE SEEN HOW GOOD I AM TO THOSE SAMPAGUITA GIRLS.
To: tina: teka, in angelic in what terms? image? or real life?
From: tina: KAHIT ANO. IMAGE, ACTIONS. DI MO MATITIBAG ITO!
To: tina: do you realise, kailangan ko sirain ang pagkakaibigan natin para mawakwakan kita? hehehe demolition job ang gusto mong gawin ko
From: tina: SO, PAG-AMIN NA ITO NG PAGKATALO. 3-1.
To: tina: hindi
From: tina: HAY... LUMALABAN NA, DAPANG DAPA NA.
To: tina: excuse me?


... to be continued.

Sunday, August 21

Was dead, drunk, y'terday.
S l e e p y
Trd
Hed aches.

Hermit
In isolation
Desolated
Funkd


S mo k e bill ows,
sign of life
But dead
still
a stick after.

Woke up
into the night
Full moon, yellowing
Dogs howling

I am the vampire
that sucks my own life

Kaluluwang Gala

Takot ako sa mga kaluluwang gala
Minsan, hindi inaasahan, mangangamoy bulaklak
Lalamig ang hangin
(Putang'na mo! Kaw na naman?!)

Nakakatakot, alam ko patay ka na
Pinatay kita, hindi ba?
Sinunog, pilit ibinaon
Gamit ang putik na pinalambot ng luha

'Pag nagparamdam, walang magagawa
Mamaluktot, magkukumot
Aawayin ang lamig
At sisigawang pilit ang pighati

Pipikit, sisilip nang kaunti sa salaming katapat
Maaninagan, mararamdaman
Itim na bahid ng pagpaparamdam
(Siya nga, pyucha, siya ulit)

Tantanan mo na ako!
Hindi na kita kailangan!
Tatakbo, bubuksan ang ilaw
Pagtingin sa salamin: walang ibang pigura

Kundi sa akin

The Measure Of Things

How do you measure one's love? Or devotion?

Perhaps, by the number of tapsilogs you can deliver and the number of kilometers you can cover?

To our dear N., there are certain things that love can endure and can give. Right now, we don't know if all of that is justified but hopefully, at the end of it, are the arms of your beloved.

Or maybe, by the amount of time you give.

There was once, when I, (this time me), I revolved around him, everything I did was because of him, the departed. But that's all water under the bridge now.

In some other times, we are willing to compromise (or jeopardize?) our reputation.

Thankfully, R., you are done and over with it. (Or are you?)

For All Car Owners

If an LTO officer confiscates your car plates, tell him he can't do so.

In a decision released by the Court of Appeals, the court states that it's not stated in the law,Republic Act 4136 ,that confiscating of plates is not one of the allowed punishment for traffic violations.

The CA affirmed an earlier decision by Quezon City Regional Trial Court Judge Estrella handed down in a case filed by a certain Roel Garcia against Eduardo Poblete, an LTO officer.

In January 10, 1999, Poblete confiscated Garcia's car plate because it was illegally parked in the airport terminal. Poblete said he did so because of memorandum circular 30 (issued on September 12, 1974) at special order 101-A (issued on October 23, 1973).

Garcia sued Poblete and won in the lower court. "...Removal of license plates of motor vehicles as penalty to be imposed on traffic violations is not mentioned on the said law (R.A. 4136)." The said memorandum and special order, the court added, were excesses and went beyond what was intended in the law.

The CA affirmed this decision and said: "...an examination of sec. 56 or R.A. 4136 does not provide for the consfiscation of the offending vehicle's license plate."

You Know Why They Are Called Sunglasses?

I realise now that so much has changed between you and me.

You now wear sunglasses at 1 a.m.

You texted me last night to tell me you saw a common friend at Malate. I didn't reply but this morning I called him up if he saw you.

"Yep, naka-sunglasses at 1 in the morning," he informed me.

"Whaaaaaat? Seriously?!" was my reply.

"Yes. Hehehehe!" he said.

Oh man, you've changed a lot. Hahahahaha! What happened along the way?

"Now he's no longer with you, he's suddenly lost class?" said a friend to which I related this anecdote.

"At least now, I'm turned off. How could you fall in love with someone who wears sunglasses in the middle of the night?" I jokingly said.

God has a funny way of making me see things His way.

Teddy Burn Redux

Weekly Love for August 15, 2005
Provided by Astrology.com

MONTHLY LOVE
Beware of feeling blue about romance at the week's outset; sentimentality about the past may set in, and those in relationships could especially feel out of step with the present. Do what it takes to get your mind (and heart) back in the moment. By Wednesday, though, each and every moment's all about you; you're sharp as a tack and sexier than ever through Friday. Plan your wardrobe and social life accordingly. Random demands on your time could make the weekend a little cooler, love-wise, but rest assured; it's only temporary.

My stars have been reading me quite accurately, it's almost scary. I will confirm that first sentence. The Ex has arrived I think on Monday or Tuesday. Last night we had a text-conversation. Told him I miss him sometimes and I felt stupid. "Hindi katangahan 'yan," he replied. I continued to say that there were times when I wish we were still together. And that my regret was that I wasn't able to take care of him the way I wanted to. "Hindi mo fault 'yun," he said. And he added that relationships drag people down and that I need to explore. I don't quite agree, I told him, "relationships with the wrong people do. And yeah, I'm exploring." "Wait a minute," I asked, "did you say, I dragged you down?"

"No, I dragged us down," he texted back.

There is a new Nike commercial, or campaign I think. "Reincarnate, leave your old self behind," it advised.

With his acknowledgment, I therefore start.

August

Me yesterday (August 16) from Yahoo astrology:

Quickie:The past can be a heavy weight if you let it press on you. Can you lift it?

Overview:If you want to keep moving, you can't let heavy baggage from the past keep dragging you down. Take some time to examine what old blocks might be keeping you from your goals.

And me today:

Quickie:Don't let your assumptions hold you back from what could be. Think big.

Overview:Clear your brain of any old memories before you launch into a brand-new situation or relationship. Learn to see the potential that lies in the moment rather than being bound by the past.

If I believe in horoscopes the above cited predictions galvanized my belief. Hehehehe. The X re-appeared. Been consciously standing my ground. If I find myself sliding back I recite this mantra: I don't want the paranoia (again).

I Won

Matapang pa rin pala ako.

Today, we saw crushie at the gazebo. T.P. didn't see him initially so I had to tell her. "TP! (while motioning towards his direction). TP! (I was ecstatic)."

"Huh? Sino?" TP.

Could she have forgotten?

The bet was on.

She was forever edging me on. Tangna, wala ako pera. Hindi ko malilibre si TP pag nagkataon.

First attempt.

His back was turned against us so I had to come up from behind (hehehehe, no sexual suggestion here). But I "U-turned."

Second attempt.

After taking a deep breathe I proceeded towards him (It's now or never. Lose face or lose the bet.)

"Uh, excuse me. Ano nga name mo ulet? (Ulit? As in natanong ko na ba sya ever ng name n'ya?)

"J**** po," was his reply. Fuck, his eyes were beautiful. Swear I could have died that moment.

Rainy Days And Birthdays!

Shout outs to Nelson and Ruth! Happy Birthday! Taken during the party last Saturday.

Blogging Or Otherwise

Blogging or otherwise. That's me in the office. Hehehe. Happy weekend.

How

"How can I stay mad forever at my friends?" Tina asked rhetorically after we didn't show up at the opening of her sister's wallclimbing gym in Lipa, Batangas.

It got me thinking last night, this time over my situation with R. I thought, prolonging it wouldn't do any further good. I think I've made my point. Besides, it's her birthday.

Rainy Days, As Always (part 2)

I'm stuck in the newsroom. It was, to use a cliche, raining cats and dogs outside I couldn't leave for home.

So here I am in this cybersanctuary.

Outside, I showed TP the sms. Was wondering why I didn't get a reply.

"How could you reply to a text like that?" she said after reading it.

Brought me to what a former (or ex) friend told me. But first a little context. She and I were friends, from college, although we met, through a mutual friend, after college. She was okay, a self-admitted neurotic (I didn't use it derisively here, just stating a fact). Until that one time when things didn't go well. Couldn't remember the circumstances anymore. One day, I got a compilation CD. There she said, that I could be cold. I have not been returning her text, and stopped communicating altogether. Why, she asked. I didn't answer.

Admittedly, that's quite true. They say, it's better not to burn bridges. I know that, it's just that I have done the opposite.

Maybe it's a defense mechanism, although I don't think it's applicable in the present context. I don't know why I do that, but it hurts me as equally as the person concerned.

The nearest explanation could be that it has something to do with pride. I choose my friends carefully, I told a barkada once. I'd rather have a small circle of trusted friends than to have a contingent of acquiantances. Friendships are relationships that need nurturing, investing. It's not something you get into just for the sake of getting into. It's a delicate process, becoming friends with someone, because in order for it to grow, you have to open up yourself, carefully, almost with calculation.

That's why it's hard to face a certain reality, that the process I adopted is not fool-proof. And the fault boomerangs directly to my face.

Caveman Theory

story
Originally uploaded by josephthaddeus.

Bored, I ventured into the Internet to read something and I found this on Salon. In the U.S., apparently, there is this emerging therapy called reparative theraphy which aims to make homosexuals, heterosexuals. In this school of thought, homosexuality is seen as a psychological disorder, the desire for men, (or women, if you're a lesbian) a neurosis.

Barry Levy, a Christian counselor, cited in the article says: "Homosexuality is not just another flower in God's garden. This is something that happens to people that can be fixed. And if someone comes seeking relief from this suffering, we would be wrong not to offer them relief."

A straight reporter of Salon tries out the theraphy. It's quite a read, what with all Levy's theory of the cause of homosexuality. Read it here. There's a part one.

Rainy Days, As Always

It's especially harder to wake up now, my alarm clock has to be "re-set thrice" before I finally wake up. I still sleep with the fan on, cuddling up is good. Better, if done next to a person. But for now, my pillows will do. (How pathetic is that? Hehehehe).

Tomorrow's Friday, and looking back, it's a pretty so-so week for me. I've been technically out of the news radar screen, I don't remember the last time I voiced. Hehehehe. On the news plate now: impeachment and the "recantation" of yet another jueteng witness, and yet another revelation of a new jueteng witness.

Aren't we going in circles?

Take my life for example, I guess that's how it was called the "grind" (as in daily grind). The stars foretell of vacation, of relaxation, of getting the balance, of getting out. But I haven't done any of these. If the stars indicate such things, does it mean you have to make an effort to make it happen? Or just wait for it, without effort, to happen?

Last night, the stars said it was especially a good night to flirt. I told I
a fellow Libran this. But she's not amused. I wanted to try it, I said, to the guy(s) sitting across us. But I chickened out, and contented myself with stealing glances, which were returned by the way, but I was too tired to bother.

After downing three bottles of beer, which was comparatively minimal compared to the other days spent drinking (am I growing old?), I went home.

Texted a friend (or is it former? hehehe) and expounded on the reasons why I have been avoiding contact the past few days. It was a especially long text that could have been very well sent as an email, but the response was nil. Reverse psychology right there? It's her birthday celebration on Saturday. I don't know if I should go. I want to go, besides, it's also N.'s party. But I don't know if it's right or whether that would be counter-productive. Strangely, I've been bumping into "Kamagong", this guy she's all over for (was?) the source of discord, for four fucking straight days. It's not me who wants to see him, for crying out loud.

Last night, prior to going to Newsdesk Cafe, we saw Elizabeth Ramsey and had my picture taken with her. That was a high. She's funny. (you can see her photo at my flickr badge on the left).

Been experimenting with the digital camera I got. Had a profile cut taken. I'll experiment with some more once I get the rechargable battery and the larger memoried memory card. Hehehehe.

Hay.

Willy Wonka and the Factory of Dreams

I felt like a kid again watching "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," last Saturday. I suspected I must have seen the movie when I was a kid. A faint song that has this line, "come and see ... in a world full of imagination ... there's you'll see," comes to mind. Not sure whether that was 1. indeed a song, and 2. was used in that earlier version of the movie.

"Choc factory" as I prefer to use it in my text messages (the title is damn too long) reignited my fascination with film and filmmaking. That was the first movie I saw in a movie house, after a 1o1 dvds (hyperbole, of course) seen at home.

I was a kid again, being ushered in that fantastic world of the isolated Willy Wonka (played by Johnny Depp/who looks like Michael Jackson, an intented portrayal, I suggested to a friend who saw the movie with me).

Charlie, who was one of the five kids who got the tickets, was also the poorest. "You're lucky," Wonka told him at the start of the tour. Prior to getting the 5th ticket, he was never dissuaded that he'd get one of the tickets. One of his grandma, the forgetful one, told him that "nothing is impossible." After having bought two bars already, and nearly losing hope after hearing that the fifth ticket had been won, he found a $10 bill (was it?) on the street. He bought a bar and won.

"If something is meant for you, it's meant for you," I told my friend.

There were valuable lessons I learned from the movie. One is not to lose faith. It is one fuel that keeps us going despite the adversity. Lose it and you lose your zest for life.

Another is the power of fate. I told a friend once that no matter how badly we want something, we won't get it if it's not for us. There are things, I said, that just fall on your lap.

Sometimes, it's better to wait. And to have faith, that someday, it will come.

Chaz' Dedication

Scenes from Chaz' dedication. On August 6, 2005, we had the dedication of Hazel's baby, Sacha. Here are some photos. Enjoy!

How Do You Solve A Mystery Like Garci?

garci2
Originally uploaded by josephthaddeus.

The hunt is on for former COMELEC Commissioner Virgilio Garcillano. The opposition led by Rep. Allan Peter Cayetano has launched a "Find Garci" campaign to locate Garcillano. They are offering half a million pesos for anybody who can provide leads to Garcillano's location. Administration congressman, Rep. Prospero Pichay is non-plussed. "I'd like to contribute (to the reward money)," Pichay said.

Justice Secretary Raul Gonzalez said the government is not hiding Garcillano. "If you ask me, I want to see what Garcillano has to say. Who knows he might spill a few beans on the opposition."

In that June 7 interview with Garcillano, he said that if push comes to shove, he wouldn't have any choice but to reveal damning secrets about the opposition. "I will tell you at the proper time," he told us.

But he has since disappeared. Some reports are saying he's in London or Singapore. The Immigration Bureau said there was no recorded exit of the former commissioner. The National Bureau of Investigation meanwhile is facing a dilemma of sorts. If he is indeed outside of the country, the NBI cannot run after him since it is outside their jurisdiction already. It can tap its network via the Interpol but even if he shows up there, it cannot arrest him. "He is not a fugitive," Gonzalez explained. The situation can be made worse if the country where Garcillano may be hiding does not have an extradition treaty with the Philippines.

Garcillano, in that same interview, related that he flew to the United States in 1986 (or was it '89?) when he clashed with Sen. Aquilino Pimentel. Is flight Garcillano's behavioral response to a crisis? Could he be "hiding" in the same place where he had sought solace before?

As a local comedy show in the Philippines was once titled, "Abangan ang Susunod na Kabanata."

Debate No. 3

Should I approach crushie?

Me: "Fate is a better decision-maker than a mortal."
T.P.: "sabi ni God, God helps those who help themselves. sa tagalog, nasa tao ang gawa, nasa Diyos ang awa."
Me: "pero sabi rin, pag hindi ukol, hindi bubukol. I prefer that God makes it happen. Sabi rin nila, "in His time," ... as in "in His time, he makes all things beautifffuuuuuuuuuuuul."
T.P.: "di naman porke in-approach mo si C, hahadahin mo na siya."
Me: "Wala pa tayo sa topic ng hadaan. Friendship pa lang."

(me susulpot sa tabi ko, magtatanong kung saan ang isa pa naming friend. biglang magtatanong ang TP.)
TP: "Yun ayaw mo?"
Me: "Nope, he's too girlie."
TP: "ayan ang problema. masyado kang mapili. tapos yung pinili mo, di mo naman malapitan man lang. instead of whining and pining ever single time you see you-know-who, why not approach you-know-who and make friends. Friendship pa nga lang. siguro kaya ayaw mong lumapit, kasi may malisya ka na."
Me: "I'm shy, hehehehe."

(aba Chief Justice Hilario Davide lecture series pala ito. hehehehe).

Me: "Sige na nga approach ko na siya." (epiphany hits me) "Oopps, I just lost the debate."

TP-2 (dancing)
JTM -1

DEAL! TP and JTM shake hands as they sign the contract for the "First to Ten Debate Series." On their third, TP leads by a point. "I'm already thinking of what to order and how much YOU'RE gonna pay," TP said. "Oh shet, wala nga pala limit 'no? (Kambyo) Well, that's not for me to worry about, ehehhehe," JTM said.

Conversations

There are conversations which I hope I didn't have, conversations that decisively took things to a different direction when there was none at the onset. Wish I could've pressed 'pause' then rewind. I wish I didn't have to hear these.

October 2004

G.: "Pero mahal mo pa rin s'ya?"
P.: "Siempre! (touches my face, smiling, ah that smile)"
G.:"Yun pala naman. That's what's important."
J.: "Uh, no. I think I've had enough. Let's break up."



Sometime late 2004

P.: "Bakit kasi hindi ka makipag-date?"
J.: "Eh, hindi naman ako ganun."
P.: "Try mo lang."
J.: "'Yoko. You know my position, my doors always been open."
P.: "Tanggapin mo pa kaya ako?"



August 2005

J.: "I think you should stop. It's a plataue. You're not going anywhere, anyway.
*.: "But I miss him."
J.: (rolls eyes)
M.: "Si J., parang si Bella Flores."
*.: "Yeah, like your worst nightmare."